Matronang-matrona, so lapad pa!

HAHAHAHA! Shakira raw ang isang objective observer nang makita niya a couple of days ago ang isang controversial showbiz personality na nag-iikot sa isang esekolang mall sa Makati.

Dahil loaded talaga ang papa niyang politician, alahada naturalmente ang girlalu habang nag-iikot sa pabolosang mall na very exclusive talaga ang clientele at wala kang masa-sight na mga otaw na Purita Mirasol. Hahahahaha!

Pero ang nakaaaning daw ay ang katotohanang so very tsaka ang kanyang fezlak at loaded with unsightly-looking pimples pa. Hakhakhak!

“What’s the matter with her?” demands our very cosmopolitan source who is infinitely condescending of the woman’s dowdy physical appearance. Hahahahaha!

“Ang dami naman niyang pera but she seems not to be aware of the humongous pimples on her face, along with her soo lapad na katawan.

“My God!” she further elaborates. “Isn’t she aware of the word dieting?

“Masyado siyang secure with her position, she seems not to be aware of the fact that youth happens to be her only advantage over the legal wife of her paramour. Hahahahahaha!

“How funny indeed but it’s true. The legal wife may be older but she is more regal and poised and better-looking.”

Well, baka naman better naman in bed ang syoba-syobang girlalu. Di kaya?

Another thing, baka naman hindi na masyadong interesado sa mga acrobats in bed ang legal wife kaya naman nawawalan na ng gana si mister, di kaya?

Hahahahahahaha!

We should always bear in mind that being a wife does not end with one’s expertise with the culinary arts but with her knowhow in bed also.

Sabi nga niyan, to be able to hold on to a man, a wife should be a lady in the kitchen but a devil in bed too.

Hahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Fulfilling ang sex life ni Lola

HAHAHAHAHA! Mahulaan kaya ng avid readers ng ating super hot na Remate tabloid kung sino itong sikat at kontrobersyal na personalidad na ‘to na hindi lang ang working galore ang fulfilling kundi most specially so her abundant sex life as well. Hakhakhak!

Totoo ka, she projects the image of a no-nonsense woman who seems to be strait-laced as well but honey, you’re in for a big surprise once you get to know her most intimate secrets.

Hakhakhak!

Say ng ating deep penetrating agent, meron na raw papa si mama pero meron pa siyang reserba kapag nasa labas siya at nagtatrabaho kuno. Hakhakhak!

Matipuno ang paparu niya kapag working girl siya kaya ang tawag sa kanya’y si Curacha, ang matronang walang pahinga. Hakhakhak!

How amusing can you get!

Knows n’yo ba siya?

Well, mag-seminar kayo para magetlag n’yo ang identity ni mama. Hahahahahaha!

So tapang siya at wala talagang inuurungan. Hahahahaha!

***

Butata ang mga naghintay kay Nora!

DI naman tayo antagonistic kay Nora Aunor dahil minsan din tayong naging solid Noranian but things are a lot different now and I’m glad that I have ceased to be a one-track-minded fan who would swallow hook line and sinker everything about our former idol.

Now, I can see things from a totally different perspective – that of an unbiased, totally sane observer and no longer a fan whose jaundiced eyes are perpetually closed to the shenanigans of his idol.

Sa totoo, sinira ng mga ‘kalamidad’ sa kanyang buhay ang dati-rati’y mabait naming idolo at ngayo’y di na siya ‘yung taong mapagmahal sa kanyang mga tagahanga, particularly ‘yung mga matatanda as was the case during the 70s, her peak years as the unmatched superstar of movielandia.

Tandang-tanda pa namin ang shocked na reaction ng isang Religious Leader nang kanyang ma-realize how utterly shrewd and scheming his idol was.

With all her fabled simplicity, Nora Aunor was (still is) a cunning persona who had been able to master the art of  ‘pagpapaawa-effect’ so that she would be able to get the sympathy that she craved for and wanted shrewdly.

Ano ba kasi ang sinabi sa kanya ng nasirang si Charito Solis nang ma-realize nito how she was being used by the superstar to get the underdog image that she clung to but desperately?

“Plastic ka!” trilled Ms. Solis with all the repugnance in the world.

“Di ka totoo!”

Kumustahin mo naman ang reviews sa kanya ng mga manunulat na kinuha niyang PROs during the mid-80s, “Siya ang artistang consistent ang kahusayang umarte off and on cam,” averred one of them. Hahaha!

Kaya mag-move on na tayo. Hindi natin siya nararapat na kaawaan. Maawa tayo sa ating mga sarili na kay tagal na nagoyo niya sa kanyang seemingly pleasant and reeking with humility actuations all these years.

Honestly, from a distance, I could now appreciate Ms. Vilma Santos’ honesty.

Gustong-gusto ko ang kanyang sweetness at magandang attitude sa kanyang trabaho.

Kaligayahan ng isang entertainment writer ang batiin siya at lambingin ng isang Vilma Santos na consistent ang arrive sa mga tao mula noon hanggang ngayon.

Given the chance to make a choice, I would choose to become a Vilma Santos -fabulously rich, unfadingly beautiful, well-connected and has a very handsome and educated husband who’s rumored purportedly to be a big hunk of a man, if you know the salient point I’m hinting at. Hahahahaha!

‘Yun Lang!

***

A woman I have come to love & respect

TATLO silang contemporaries na maituturing sa show business.

She was a little bit ahead of the two but in the end, she was able to prove to all and sundry that her kind of appeal defies the ever-changing trend and the fickle-minded showbiz fanatics.

Today, Ms. Claire dela Fuente may not be opulence personified but she still has numerous businesses, along with her new pre-occupation which is talent management.

Ang totoo niyan, super tinatao ang dalawa niyang (and to think na magkalapit lang ang mga ito, huh?) restos sa Macapagal Avenue, Pasay City (near Mall of Asia) dahil bukod sa reasonably-priced ang mga pagkain, bonggacious pa ang pagkakaluto ng mga lafang.

Ikaw na ang maging isang meticulous restaurateur na tulad ni Ms. Claire.

Ang maganda lang kay Ms. Claire, di siya plastic at wala sa kanya ang erratic airs ng ibang showbiz personalities riyan.

Sa dinami-rami ng mga taong na-meet ko (sa mga babae lang, huh? Hahahaha!) sa show business, bow ako sa kanyang down-to-earth ways at very human candor.

Maswerte kung tutuusin itong sina Bela Padilla at Sam Pinto dahil napaka-resourceful ng kanilang manager, apart from the fact that she’s well-connected too and an engaging personality as a whole.

Mabuhay ka, Ms. Claire. You will always have a friend in Peter and I.

***

The best boss in the whole wide world

SIR Jerry Yap, for his innate kindness and boundless magmanimity, will always have a special place in my heart, but I’m so glad to have found a new boss and a new friend in Sir Benny Antiporda who’s like a veritable knight in shining armor in my life at the moment.

With the hard times that is palpably within our midst, making life mesirable for everyone, I consider mysely tremendously fortunate to have known these men (Sir Jerry and now Sir Benny) who are making life bearable and tolerable and kind of easier to cope up with.

Kaya ‘yung mga nang-iintriga sa dalwang ito ay dapat na sigurong manahimik dahil wala namang maniniwala na sa kanila.

Sir Jerry’s slate has been consistently clean, and so is Sir Benny’s.

Kaya bago natin sila intrigahin, tingnan muna natin ang ating mga sarili at baka tayo ang kaintri-intriga.

Sa totoo, hardworking ang mga boss naming ito kaya naman deserved lang nila ang kung anumang tinatamasa nila sa ngayon.

Apart from that, leading men material kasi sila kaya marami ang naiinggit at nai-insecure. Hakhakhak!

Mamatay kayo sa inggit!

Puede ring magtinda kayo ng goto para magkaroon kayo ng extra-income. Hakhakhak!

Joke! Hahahahaha!

***

Ladladera kapag nasa Tate ang pa-mhin na ‘birit queen’

KAPAG nasa Pinas, medyo subdued ang kabaklaan ng masyoba-syobang birit ‘queen’ na ‘to sa industriya.

Pero kapag nasa Tate pala, sobra ang kanyang pagkaeskandalosa.

“True ‘yan,” so says our deep penetration agent, “Nung mag-show nga siya sa Tate, na lukring ang mga otaw dahil nagtatarang siya sa entablado nang madismaya siya sa poor quality ng kanilang sound system.

“Hakhakhak! Di talaga makapaniwala ang mga otaw na sa laki niyang ‘yun ay para siyang Anna Pavlova na nagpapadyak sa entablado dahil hirap siyang bumirit dahil sa tsakang sound system.

Hahaha!

“‘Yun na!”

True pala na insecure ang tabatsingtsing na biritera sa isang closet queen na male singer dahil mas ma-appeal ito sa mga vaklushi at silaham as compared sa kanya.

Well-endowed (Hakhakhak!) rin daw kasi ang tagong baklita as compared sa notes ng birit queen na hahanapin mo pa. Hakhakhak!

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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