Wah effect na ang maragul na nota

DATI-RATI, he was supremely confident when it comes to his sexuality.

Parang laruan lang ang tingin niya sa mga babae at mas priority pa nga niya ang kanyang gay talent manager na ang sabi’y siyang nagtatago ng kanyang kadatungan.

Magalit na nga raw ang kanyang mga chicks, his wife then included, pero ayaw niyang naiirita sa kanya ang kanyang manager.

But things are a lot different now, his manager is no longer with us and he’s not as appealing as he used to be.

Ang nakatatawa, kung dati’y habulin siya ng chicks, this time they seem to be quite indifferent to his machismo and his superfab equipment. Hahahahahaha!

Hurting daw ang aging actor dahil mas feel pa ng chicks ang gwaping pero so small naman ang notang sexy actor na katropa niya at parang deadma na ang mga ito sa kanyang dati-rati’y pinag-aagawang alaga. Hahahahaha!

Why is that so when some two or three years ago, all of them were dying to have a taste of his machismo that was supposedly unequalled when it comes to size and staying power? Hahaha!

Times have indeed inordinately altered and women of the new millennium tend to equate happiness with a fabulously handsome face, along with a good, well-toned body even if he’s not that gloriously gifted at the size department. Hakhakhak!

Gurangis na nga naman si kuya and his baldness is another negative factor that pisses them off. Hahahaha!

Shakira nga si kuya nang maramdaman niyang parang pinandidirihan (pinandidirihan daw, o! Hakhakhak! Que barbaridad!) siya ng sexy starlet na di naman kabataan ang dating. Hahahahaha!

Dati-rati nga naman, all of them were dying to have his succulent dick inside of their wet pussy while deliriously savoring the mind-boggling sensation. Hahahahaha!

If that’s not what you would call as comeuppance or retribution, we don’t know what is. Hahaha!

Kawawa naman. Di naramdaman na niya ang naramdaman dati ng isang starlet na naghahabol talaga sa kanya dahil hindi malimut-limutan ang kanilang superfab lovemaking sessions. Hakhakhak!

Ganyan talaga ‘yan. Pero ang sakit kung ikaw na ang nasa receiving end ng reject- ion. Hahaha!

***

May trauma sa mga ‘lalaki’ sa showbiz ang dating super-sikat na aktres

SA TOTOO, hindi maintindihan ng mga utaw from all walks of life kung bakit ganon na lang ang pagmamahal na iniuukol ng isang dati-rati’y pabolosa ang kasikatang aktres sa kanyang karelasyong rapper/actor gayung wala naman daw ito sa kalingkingan ng mga lalaking nakarelasyon niya in the past.

Inasmuch as he’s fairly good-looking, he’s now balding and is not rich or opulent or well-connected either.

As a matter of fact, people consider him to be a veritable pain in the ass and the main reason why the actress’s career has come to a stand-still or an impasse.

Ang di nila alam, may deep-seated trauma na ang aktres sa mga lalaking nagkakagusto kuno sa kanya dahil napatunayan niyang most, if not all of them, are latent homosexuals (Hahahahaha!) who used her for personal gains. Hakhakhak!

Nu’ng bata-bata pa siya, okay lang ‘yun sa kanya but as she matures and old age appears to be staring her right on her face, that’s the only time that she gets to realize her folly.

‘Yung napangasawa nga naman niya ay isang bisexual na noo’y hada kung hada ang drama at nito lang medyo nagka-edad na nag-tone down ng kanyang dati-rati’y active libido. Hakhakhak!

When she was a lot younger, these fags, masquerading as men, took advantage of her prodigious popularity to the hilt. The list is actually long and endless but two of them are still active in the industry today.

‘Yung isa, oo nga’t nag-asawa pero lalaki pa rin ang priority kaya nahambal ang que pobrecitang misis nang matuklasan niya ang katotohanan. Hahaha!

Oo nga’t magkasama pa rin sila ngayon sa iisang bubong but leading separate lives so to speak on account of the fact that the wife has become very much indifferent to her husband’s seemingly endless affairs with different men.

No wonder, she has aged tremendously and is now very much a pathetic has-been.

‘Yung isa naman, namatay sa cancer ang misis dahil di nito ma-take ang kinahinatnan ng kanyang married life.

Kung bakit kasi nag-aasa-asawa pa, di naman kayang papelan ang mga obligasyones. Hahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

Anyway, now you know why this legendary actress has chosen poverty in lieu of stardom along with its superfab trimmings and accouterments.

Ang kanyang motto? Bakit ako iinom sa sarong ginto kung luluha naman yaring aking puso? Buti pang uminom sa hamak na tabo liligaya naman yaring pagsuyo. Hahahahahaha!

Very Ferminata, di ba naman? Hakhakhak!

It may sound stupid but it’s true. Stardom means nothing to her anymore for she has found that elusive happiness in this guy who may be a nobody and a free-loader to boot in as far as most showbiz denizens perceived him to be, but a rarity in far as the fabled actress is concerned.

***

Apektado ang maliliit na blocktimers sa Trese ng kabonggahan ni Mr. Manny Pangilinan

KAWAWA naman ang maliliit na entrepreneurs sa IBC 13. Dahil inukupahan lahat ni Mr. Manny Pangilinan ang practically lahat ng prime time slots sa nasabing network, tigbakers na ang maliliit na blocktimers roon at kasama nga si Ms. Marissa del Mar at ang Mr. Bitag ng UNTV na si Ben Tulfo.

Si Ms. Marissa, wala namang reklamo dahil sa pagkakaalam ko, lilipat yata siya sa TV5. Hahahaha! How amusing, from IBC 13, lilipat naman siya sa kaharian ni Mr. Pangilinan na siya namang naghahari na sa network na rati niyang pinanggalingan.

Anyway, ang apektado talaga ay si Ben Tulfo dahil di naman yata sila in good terms ng kanyang mga utol na siyang nasa posisyon sa teevee network ni Mr. Pangilinan.

Oh, well, life is indeed quite complicated at times but you must know how to ride along and enjoy the little things that are coming your way.

“Right, darling,” Ms. Marissa intones. “Ako nga, I never allow anxiety to get the better part of me.

“Ang maganda, ‘yung little projects That I have like this Run for Literacy thing was a big hit with the masses.

“I just hope, my stint with TV5 would be a success too,” she coos. “Right now, we have to iron some kinks but I have the feeling na patutuloy naman.

“OFWs ang tema ng show at parang interesado naman sila.”

At least, di ba? Winner talaga itong si Ms. Marissa at di kailanman nagpatalo sa mga pagsubok sa buhay niya.

Anyway, going back to Ben Tulfo, blood is indeed thicker than water. Nasa TV5 na pala siya at may programa ka-join ang mga utol niyang sina Erwin at Raffy.

Bongga!

***

Sam Pinto huwag laiting nagbago na dahil sumusunod lang siya sa FHM people

MATARAY ang pagkakasulat ni Rey Pumaloy sa isang tabloid tungkol sa parang pinalalabas niyang pag-swell kuno ng ulo ni Sam Pinto dahil iniwan daw nitong bigla ang mga interviewers nang
hatakin ng kanyang road manager kuno.

“Naku naman, taga-FHM ‘yun, ‘noh?” Ms. Claire elucidates coming to the rescue of her ward. “Sam is still very young. She’s all of 21 years of age.

“Kumbaga, what do you expect from a young girl her age?

“She was only playing at the backyard of her mom and then suddenly, she becomes a star!

“Alam mo ‘yun?

“Besides, beholden siya sa mga taong ‘yun dahil they are the one in charge and all she had to do was simply go along with the tide.

“Nakakahilo kaya ‘yun.”

Sang-ayon kay Ms. Claire, nagkagulo-gulo pa nga raw sa backstage dahil may outsider na naka-position sa medyo mataas na lugar ang kumukuha kay Sam na focused lang sa boobs nito.

Hinabol daw ito ng mga taga-FHM pero nakatakas at biglang sumakay sa waiting na Pajero.

Sosyal! Pati stalker naka-Pajero. Hakhakhak!

“Tama na ang sour-graping, darling,” Ms. Claire elucidates. “Hindi na baguhan si Sam.

“Aminado naman akong di pa siya masyadong marunong umarte dahil naunahan nga ng stardom ang pag-aaral niyang maging isang magaling na artista.

“Sabi nga ni Ms. Annette Abrogar, patuturuan daw nilang umarte ‘yung bata kaya wait na lang tayo.”

Kaya ikaw tandang Marianita, you better be very meticulous with your diet because Sam is here na to make your nights and days a veritable nightmare. Hakhakhak!

Imagine, 15 long years ang gap n’yo kaya parang niece mo na lang siya.

Hakhakhak!

Imagine, when she turns 26 years old, forty ka na, lola. Hakhakhak!

Magsisimula ng magsipagbagsakan ang mga panga at ngala-ngala mo. Hakhakhak!

Que miserable!

Ang nakababaliw pa niyan, baka pagdating mo ng kwarenta, maghanap na naman si Papa Dong ng mas bata at sariwa at di gurang na tulad mo. Hakhakhak!

How so very amusing!

Kaya go ka nang go kina Belo at Calayan para maalagaan ang mukha mo at di maglaylayan ang mga kabalatan mo ever. Hakhakhak!

Ang nakatatawa, your face and body is a lot slimmer then ever before but your legs are still prominently big. Hakhakhak!

Di proportioned, lola. Tagtagin mo rin para mag-blend ang kapayatan mo kuno. Hahahahaha!

Ang tanong, kaya mo naman kayang i-maintain ang kapayatan mong ‘yan?

Di kaya muli kang magbalik sa too fleshy for comfort na pangangatawan mo oras na di ka na gaanong pinupuna?

Hakhakhak!

At least si Sam, di siya pata tim tulad mo at maliit ang kanyang bone structure.

Magandang Pinay lang siya at Kastilang malditang tulad mo.

Magbagu-bago ka, ining, dahil baka biglang magsipaglakihan ang mga eyebags mo na prominent na sa ngayon sa fiction mong fantaseryeng Mamaya Na. Hahaha!

How gross! Babutsh!

***

In demand si Diet

IN demand si Diether Ocampo.

Imagine, super rating na ang kanilang “Guns & Roses” nina Bea Alonzo at Robin Padilla, hayan at kasama pa pala siya sa “Rakenrol” ni Direk Quark Henares kung saan ang love interest niya ay ang Kapuso star na si Glaiza de Castro na syota naman sa istorya ni Jason Abalos.

Ang nakatatawa, he’s being written about in such a way that he and Kris Aquino are being considered as an item. Hahahaha!

Kunsabagay, with a face like that and a gorgeous body as well that never fades with time, sino ba naman ang hindi mai-el kay Diether Ocampo?

‘Yun na!

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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