Mas sexy pa ang dating mister sa lumba-lumbang misis!; Ate Vi pinapantasya pa rin

NAKATATAWA naman ang naging reunon ng dating mag-asawa after many years of estrangement from each other.

Bigla kasing naisipang magpa-party ng isang dating veteran actress who is now fulfilled in her solitude and was their contemporary.

Naturalmente, excited ang lahat-lahat, Bubonika. Beso-beso, chikahan to-the-max at umaatikaong moments of nostalgia when the world was young and they were the hottest actors and actresses this side of Hollywood.

Nakaupo sa mesa ang isang ORIG na superstar (not the Bicolana Marvel dahlin’…HakHakhakhakhak!) nang out-of-the-blue, may biglang yumakap sa kanya from her back.

Sino pa ba naman ‘yun kundi ang dati niyang paparu na gwaping pa rin at svelte as ever. Hakhakhak!

The irony of it all, ang mamaru ay so lapadita na at di na kagandahang tulad nu’ng dati na para siyang Hollywood star, so to speak. Hakhakhak!

In fairness, yumakap naman ang aktres at nagpalakpakan talaga ang mga utawzing.

But the old flame is no longer there in as far as the veteran actor is concerned, albeit the original superstar would have definitely wanted to take a second attempt on love. Hakhakhak!

It’s so sad when you’re old and obese and you realize that not even all the money in the world could compensate for your lost youth and beauty.

Kaya ikaw, Nora Aunor, be very careful with your body and beauty.

Maganda ka pa rin naman but, like I said a million times before, you need a good tummy tuck or a liposuction. Hakhakhak!

Di ka kasi nag-ingat sa mga nilalafang mo sa States, ate. Buti na lang, di ka singlapad ni tsakang Cristinelli Salazar Fermin who’s really rounded like a rolly-polly and almost obese as a pig. Remember your award-winning dialog in that movie of yours ? “My brother is not a pig!” Hahahahahaha!

Look at your kumareng Vilma, she’s still as svelte as before and the face, glamorous and youthful as ever.

No wonder, she’s still being fantasized by the young men of today like Zanjoe Marudo whose greatest dream is to do a movie (ala-Liv Ullman’s 40 karats…laban ka? Hakhakhak!) with the most enduring queen of Philippine Cinema.

Eh, si Ate Guy, babagayan pa kaya ng mga bagets na leading men na sing-sariwa ni Papa Zanjoe whose movie “Wedding Tayo, Wedding Hindi” under Star Cinema with Ms. Toni Gonzaga is slated to detonate in some 100 theatres nationwide tomorrow, Aug. 31? Hakhakhak!

Unfortunately, the answer is a resounding No! Hahahahahahahaha!

‘Yan ang advantage kapag likas kang banidosa. You are definitely going to reap the fruits of your discipline and hard work when you’re already in your 40s and 50s.

Kung hindi ba maalaga si Ate Vi sa kanyang sarili, magsasalita ba nang ganon si Papa Zanjoe? Would he still want to do a movie with her if and when she’s already like you Ate Guy with your too prominent tummy and kind of hard physiognomy? Hahahahahaha!

Definitely no, darling.

Honestly speaking. kung ‘yung mga bold actresses of the 80s na di hamak na mas bata kaysa sa reigning governor ng Batangas ay mga damulag na ang itzu, remarkable talaga ang discipline at tenacity ng Queentastar for all season in holding on to her beauty that’s still remarkable and the envy of so many women of all ages.

Eh, si Nora, kumusta naman?

Bow sila sa kanyang formidable acting virtuousity.

‘Yun lang!

‘Yun lang daw, o! Hakhakhak!

Basta ako, given the chance to make a choice, I would choose a Vilma Santos any time.

Di lang siya aktres kundi kahanga-hangang personilad, be it in politics or in cinema.

‘Yan ang lehitimong icon. The beauty is still very much evident even at an age when most women are already scared to be photographed without their thickly foundationed and meticulously made-up face . Hakhakhak!

Di ba naman, Ms. Portia Ilagan? Hakhakhak!

Hindi tayo nanglalait, huh? We only speak of the truth the way we see it in broad daylight.

In broad daylight daw, o! Hakhakhak! Mag-ingat kasi at tigilan na ang walang tulu- gang pagka-casino na nagpapatigas sa noo’y medyo maamo mo naman sanang mukha.

Makinig kasi sa payo ng mga concerned mong amiga. Huwag diyan sa tigasera na rin ang fezlak na amiga mong si Suzette Ranillo na pati ang mga pinaghirapang showbiz commitments ni Kuya Germs ay gustong getlagin all for the love of komi.

All for the love of komi raw, o! Hakhakhak!

Very Cristinelli Salazar Fermin talaga na isinusuka na ng matitinong showbiz denizens.

Mantakin mong inaaraw-araw na naman sina Kris Aquino at Piolo Pascual sa kanyang very much wanting of credibility na columns? Hahahahahahaha!

Nakahihiya! Dati’y sobrang pagtatanggol mo kay Papa P., pero ngayo’y halos isulat mo na ang kanyang mga private encounters in your cheap Tagalisitc columns.

Sa totoo, kinasusuklaman ang attack and collect ways mo sa buong industriya. Prima facie evidence ang pagsemplang ng mga shows mo, ang “Juicy” in particular, closely followed by your “True Confession” tienes and then ‘yung Sunday edition ng tsaka mong show na superfab sana ang mga kasama mo pero dahil sa subok na ang AC/DC ways mo, pinagwewelgahang talaga ng mga utaw. Hakhakhak!

Going back to Ate Vi (na rati’y paborito mo Bubugski pero ngayo’y pinagpalit mo sa anda…cheap! Hakhakhak!), kasama niya sina Manny Pacquiao at Ronnie Ricketts this coming Friday, September 2, sa Alay-lakad sa Batangas. Five-thirty a.m. ang affair kaya di ito carry ni Ate Guy na puyatera sa casino.
Hakhakhakhakhak!

‘Yun lang!

***

Vavalinang duldulin inuuto si Ms. Claire!

KAPLASTIK talaga itong si Joey ‘Vavalina’ de Castro, ang halimaw ng San Mateo Rizal. Imagine, wala nang ginawa ang aborigines na ‘to kundi babuyin kami sa internet to the point of using different sim cards to make it appears that there are purportedly a lot of people who are supposedly peeved with us, along with our no-nonsense mannner of writing.

Ang nakapapraning pa, lagi pala itong nagdadrama at nang-eeklay kay Ms. Claire dela Fuente, ang isa sa sampung highly respected mentors ng reality singing competition ng GMA network na magsisimula na this coming September 4, ang “Protege: The Battle for the Big Break.”

Imagine, kami ni Peter Ledesma ang kayod-marino para i-build-up sina Sam Pinto at Bela Padilla pero unbeknown to us, this slimy and malodorous faggot is the one enjoying the fruits of our labor.

Ewan kung anong drama ang ginagawa ng halitosis queen na ‘to at nabibilog niya ang ulo ng isang taong supposedly ay edukada at matalinong taong tulad ni Ms. Claire.

Imagine, the cheap vaklung is being given a monthly allowance when he’s not doing anything but text us non-stop with some tearingly diabolical messages the whole day and the whole night and lambaste us non-stop at the internet with imagined obscenities and untakable concoctions.

Unfair!

Siya itong nagbugaw nu’ng mid and late-80s when he was still under the employ of Madam Babbette Curcuerra, tapos kami ang pinalabas na nagbubugaw raw ng mga inosenteng bata na ang isa pa nga’y anak ng pamangkin ni Nong na si Christian.

Alam kaya ni Ms. Claire kung gaano kababoy ang taong ito na more than two decades naming kinupkop at trinatong parang prinsesa (would you believe, that kind of highly repugnant physiognomy was treated almost like royalty when he could have been one of our muchachas instead? Hakhakhak!)?

Anyway, di natutulog sa kati-text ang mukhang bampirang matandang mabahongang bak- lang ito na afflicted na with diabetes at malapit nang ma-amputate ang mga paa at waing na pagka-circulate for fear of being manhandled by my good friend Peter Ledesma. Hakhakhak!

Kadiri!

Kaya Ms. Claire, put a stop to your kind of charity because he doesn’t deserve it one iota.

Halimaw ang taong tinutulungan mo at hindi marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob. Period. Ayoko ng impaktaaaah!

Sa halip na tulungan mo ang ingratang mabahongang baklang ‘yan, pagbutihin mo na lang ang pagku-coach sa manok mo sa Protege ng GMA-7 at may mapapala ka pa.

Believe me, that old stinking faggot is A SCHEMING BITCH OF A WITCH. Betraying you behind your back by saying some veritable obsceneties when you’re not around.

Kuha mo, Ms. Claire? Inuuto ka lang ng nanggigitatang baklang ‘yan para makagetlag ng andalucia dahil wala ng pangmamam ‘yan at pang-tong-its.

Cheap!

***

Kundi mga bakla, mga user na ombre naman

MUKHANG inaalat ang beauty ng isang, in fairness, ay magaling na singer.

Imagine, kundi raw mga baklita, (her first boyfriend is repeatedly being gossipped about as a she/man…Hakhakhak!) mga lalaking ang gusto nama’y ma-churva lang siya at di naman desididong siya’y pakasalan.

Ang nakatatawa, oo nga’t gwaping sana ‘yung first boyfriend niya at may arrive namang tunay specially now that his body has become appealingly hunky (appealingly hunky raw, o! Hakhakhak!) pero obvious naman daw na mas babae pa ito compared sa kanya. Hakhakhak!

Truth to tell, butt of ribald jokes raw sila nang minsang magkasamang mag-show sa Tate dahil wala na raw ginawa ang ombaw (?) kundi titigan nang titigan ang reflection nito sa salamin with matching kagat-labi on the side.

Kagat-labi on the side raw, o! Hakhakhak!

Anyway, prior to that, niligawan pala siya ng isang ombre na wala nang ginawa kundi ang maghanap ng girlalung magagamit niya at mauutangan.

Hahahahahahaha! Mauutangan daw, o! Hahahahahahaha!

Somewhere in between, isang male chauvinist pig naman ang nakarelasyon niya na ang gusto yata’y churvahin siya pero di naman siya pumayag kaya splitzville ang kinauwian ng kanilang relasyon.

Lately, okay na sana ang existing set-up sa kanila ng isang paparung bonzai pero nahipat naman ito ng isang babaing higanta. Hakhakhak!

Kaya sa ngayon, sa career na lang daw muna siya magko-concentrate dahil napapagod na raw ang kanyang puso.

How so pathetic naman.

Hahahahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Lalong humuhusay ang acting ni Jolina

LABS niya si Marvin Agustin (Anton sa fantaserye nilang “Iglot”) pero ang feel naman nito’y si Claudine Barretto (Mariella) kaya suffer in silence na lang ang role ni Jolina Magdangal (Ramona).

Diyan nagri-revolve ang story ng Iglot ng GMA na parang may hawig sa plot ng award-winning movie noon nina Nora Aunor, Hilda Koronel at Philip Salvador.

It premeired yesterday, August 29, sa GMA telebabad right after 24 Oras.

Anyway, magaling as usual si Jolina sa kanyang api-apihang role dala na rin siguro ng kanyang maturity as an actress.

Nakasisiguro kaming maganda ang magiging pagtanggap dito ng publiko lalo na’t mature roles na ang ginagampanan nilang tatlo nina Marvin at Claudine, with matching Luis Alandy on the side.

Bonus na bale rito ang bagong batang discovery na si Milkcah Wynne Nacion na care-taker bale ng fluffy little creature na si Iglot.

At any rate, it’s nice to know that Romnick Sarmenta has a special role in this fantaserye.

He delineates the role of the parish priest Father Ruben who’s very close to Milkcah’s character.

***

Back to back obscurity si Ate

BAGO siya lumipat sa network na ‘to kung saan umaalagwa ang anda pero di naman kilala ng publiko, this charming but pugnosed actress had entertained some wonderful delusions.

Buong akala niya’y magniningning talaga ang kanyang namezung lalo na’t lead actress agad sa isang soap opera ang initial assignment na binigay sa kanya. Hakhakhak!

Ang nakaa-amuse, in-import pa sa Tate ang leading man niya na, in fairness, ay mahusay naman sanang aktor.

Ang kaso, forget na siya ng mga utaw at ang young actress naman with that uncinematic nose (uncinematic nose raw, o! Hakhakhak!) ay matagal nang nawalan ng arrive.

Ang ending, kill the pusher kaagad ang soap hindi pa man ito nagti-take-off.

Hahahahahaha! How so very sad naman.

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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