Kadalagang tao ay parang 3 na ang anak ni Angelica Jones

HAHAHAHAHA! Yosi-kadiri naman ang itzu nitong Bokal ng Lagunang si Angelica Jones. Imagine, she’s still single and a politician at that and yet she seems not to be aware of her looming obesity. Hakhakhak!

How gross!

Pa’no naman, she eats like an anaconda, which, in a way, is not in the least bit surprising for she has taken after her mom’s tremendously huge appetite. Hakhakhak!

Naturingang mga babae, sampung lalaki yata ang katumbas ng kanilang mga pagkaing nilalafang.

Yuck! Yosi-kadiri! Hakhakhak!

Nito na lang huling mapunta kami sa kanilang lugar upon the invitation of her alcoholic mom, who else but the veritably obese Mommy Beth Jones who’s oozing with delusions, bad skin, and abominable manners.

Suffice to say, shakira talaga kami sa tremendously huge appetite ng mag-inang ito na parang wala ng bukas kung lumafang! Hakhakhak!

Come to think of it, I have this feeling that Angelica is going to become bloated as a pig a couple of years from now if she is not going to refrain from her abominable, if not highly repulsive, eating habits. Hakhakhakhak!

Kung bakit kasi bata pa namang naturingan pero kung makakain ay para bang wala nang bukas.

Wala na raw bukas, o! HAKHAKHAK!

Imagine, nakataas pa ang isang paa at nakalatag talaga sa harapan nila ang masesebong mga pagkain and with matching nakakamay talaga. Hakhakhak!

And how they devoured it like famished aborigines. Hakhakhak!

Anyway, if she’s not going to change her deplorable eating habits, I have the fee- ling that she’s going to become as repugnant obese as her mom. Hahahahaha!

At any rate, what good is money if you don’t have any manners at all and exude cheapness of the highest order? Hahahahahahahahaha!

Ang nakatatawa, nag-aral daw sa UP at sa Ateneo itong si Angelica and yet her English is still as horribly repugnant as it was before. Hakhakhak!

Pa’no kasi, hindi naman siniseryoso ang pag-aaral at mas priority pa ang gumimik at makipaglaklakan sa kanyang mga constituent in a highly ignominious manner. Hahahahaha!

Sa totoo, there is absolutely nothing wrong with pakikisama or pakikipag-kapwa tao for that matter, but cheapening yourself to the point of going down to the obnoxious level of some people is abominably wrong and repulsive.

Kunsabagay, what would you expect from people who are not schooled and who happen to be such ingrate and inveterate users? Hakhakhakhakhak!

‘Yun na!

Mag-diet ka, ning. Kadalaga mong tao ay daig mo pa ang nagka-anak na ng tatlong beses. Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Sam Pinto wah-effect ang lait ng AC/DC na si Ferminata

PATULOY ang pag-angat ng career ni Sam Pinto right after na mapili siya bilang FHM’s sexiest. Hayan at marami ang pumupuri sa kanyang commercials lately tungkol sa Cream Silk at San Mig Light kung saan na-exploit talaga to the full ang kanyang exquisite kind of beauty that’s extremely telegenic and photogenic as well. Hahahaha!

E, si Cristinelli Salazar Fermin, kahit ano pang pag-iilaw ang gawin ay hopeless nang talaga. Hakhakhak!

In this respect, I’m so thankful to my late mom and dad that I had taken after their good looks and charm, not to mention my dad’s intelligence.  Hakhakhak!

Mayabang na kung mayabang, but I will forever be grateful for my dad’s guidance when I was growing up, along with his endearing belief in me that I would become somebody special someday.

Indeed I have. Hindi man ako isang sensational teevee personality but Peter Ledesma and I made our showbiz-oriented show at UNTV 37 a veritable top-rater.

As a matter of fact, most of the showiz-oriented talk shows of today have taken after our show in terms of feisteness and bravura in exposing the hidden secrets of most celebrities.

Kung wala lang talagang mga manghaharang at mga inggitera, it would have been one of the most successful showbiz-oriented talk shows in the country today.

Am I right, Lola Cristy na resounding flop ang dati-rati’y bonggang “Juicy” nu’ng time pa namin nina Morly Alinio at Rey Pumaloy. Hakhakhak!

Anyway, going back to the fabulously beautiful Sam Pinto, sandamakmak pala ang naka-line-up na commercials para sa kanya kaya I’m sure Ferminata would once again be green with envy.

And speaking of the kapalmuks Ferminata, wala talagang dugo sa mukha ang tsakadong lola na ‘to.

Hayan at pagkatapos na i-hosanna to the highest si Nora Aunor na nilait-lait talaga niya non-stop for almost three decades, heto siya at pilit na nagsusumiksik na naman kay Queenstar Vilma Santos. Hakhakhak!

Ang kapal!

Naku, lola, sirang-sira na ang credibility mo sa mga fans na pagkatapos mong lait-laitin si Ate Guy for 28 solid years, hayan ka at nilunok ang lahat ng masasakit mong sinabi, para lait-laiting muli simply because one of your money-makers or sources of income, Lala Aunor, that’s who, is no longer in good terms with her. Hahahahahhaha!

Pakidampot nga ng kredibilad sa sahig? Hahahahaha!

So very nakahihiya.

Very much aware kasi siyang si Ate Vi na talaga ang may hawak ng korona for the simple reason that she’s been most consistent, level-headed and work-oriented.

Kung noong una ay talaga namang si Mama Guy ang nanguna sa kanilang karera, in the final analysis, it’s the Queenstar for all Seasons who’s been able to win in their long drawn-out race for queen stardom. Hakhakhak!

Long live the queen! Queenstar for all Seasons Ms. Vilma Santos.

Ang komontra, magiging kamukha ni Lola Cristy Fermin, the taling-harap grandma. Hahahahahaha!

And for us, that’s the most horrible thing that could possibly happen to any individual. Hakhakhak! Kalowkah!

Kay Ate Vi pa rin, super successful ang alay-lakad nila kamakailan sa Batangas na dinaluhan ng super gwapo at intelligent niyang panganay na si Luis Manzano, Cong. Manny Pacquiao (who donated a hefty sum for the people of Batangas), at MTRCB chairman Ronnie Ricketts.

***

Nakaalagwa na sa mga pa-mhin na baklita, ombre nang totoo ang nakuha

MARAMI ang natutuwa sa magandang kapalarang dumapo sa Brazilian beauty na ‘to na matagal-tagal din namang nagtiis sa mga lalaking may ulterior motive lang na maituturing.

Imagine, ‘yung isa niyang paparu ay girlash na girlash talaga at kapag magkasama sila, madalas niya itong mahuling looking galore sa mga bulging crotches ng mga mhinchang. Haahahahahaha!

Ang nakatatawa, nang off-line na sila, na-link ito sa isang girlalu na pinupormahan din ng isang machong out-of-showbiz ombre.

Inadvertently ay nagkita yata ang grupo ng baklitang aktor at ang mga lehitimong ombres na dabarkads nu’ng isa, nilapitan daw ito ng claving na aktor para magkaayos sila.

Ang kaso, bigla siyang binigwasan nito kaya crayolang bigla ang girlalung aktor. Hahahahaha! So very amusing naman.

Anyway, may bago ng labs ang Brazilian actress at desidido raw itong pakasalan siya kaya super fulfilled naman ang girlalu.

Going back to the macho gay actor, he’s indeed a good catch if only he happens to be a real man.

Napaka-flawless kasi ng kanyang skin tone at talaga namang superfab ang katawan at kanotahan (kanotahan daw, o! Hakhakhak!).

Sayang na paparu, everything about him is nothing but illusion. Hakhakhak!

***

Carry nina Uge, Toni ang pagka-clash ng kanilang characters sa ‘Wedding Tayo, Wedding Hindi’

KUNG nagkataong mahina-hinang artista si Ms. Eugene Domingo, I’m positive na ilalampaso siya ng domineering character ni Toni Gonzaga.

Aba’y tour de force ang acting ni Toni in most of their scenes together pero di naman nagpakabog si Uge.

Bagama’t agaw-eksena ang character ni Toni( heavy Japayuki make-up with matching swardspeak thrown in for good measure), na talaga namang nagampanan nito nang pagka-bongga-bongga, napakahusay namang comedic actress ni Ms. Eugene kaya lutang na lutang pa rin siya at di nagpalamon sa very much inspired acting ni Toni.

Kahit nga sina Zanjoe Marudo at Wendell Ramos ay buong ningning ding nakipagtalbugan ng eksena sa mga mahuhusay nilang leading-ladies.

In a way, kaya siguro inspired ang acting ng apat na aktor ay dahil sa nuknukan nang husay ang kanilang direktor na si Joey Reyes.

Sa totoo, his one of the few intuitive directors that we have around and one of the finest too when it comes to giving motivation to his actors is concerned.

Do see it now. Palabas pa rin in some 100 theaters nationwide.

***

Time for the Hapipaks to Rakenrol

THE greatest names in the History of Philippine Rock and Roll: The Juan Dela Cruz Band, The Dawn, The Eraserheads and HAPIPAKS?!

After five long years and thousands of fans on Facebook clamouring for its release, the story of the greatest Filipino rock and roll band you’ve never heard of is finally making it’s way to the big screen, in the highly anticipated film, “Rakenrol.”

With its play date finally set on September 21, Rakenrol, directed by Quark Henares, has already received acclaim overseas, having been screened in The Udine Film Festival in Italy, and the Asia Pacific Film Festival in Los Angeles. The movie has also been invited to be screened at several more international film festivals in Hawaii, Göteborg, San Diego and New York. Most recently, it was the closing film of the 2011 CineMalaya Film Festival, where it played to a Star Studded Standing Room Only crowd at the CCP main theatre. “Rakenrol” then continued to live up to its name and made this year’s CineMalaya one for the ages, by throwing a concert at the Harbour Square at CCP, with big name bands such as Itchy- worms, Ciudad, Taken by Cars, Pedicab  performing to a jam-packed crowd.

Even years before its release, Rakenrol, which stars Diether Ocampo as hunky rock star Jacci Rocha, Glaiza De Castro as the aspiring front woman of “Hapipaks” and Jason Abalos as her best friend and the band’s song writer, has already developed a loyal group of followers that have been eagerly waiting for the film to open nationwide. The official Facebook page alone has gathered nearly 7,000 “likes,”with all its members excited over the movie’s final release date.

Rakenrol, is the brainchild of Henares and Diego Castillo, two stalwarts in the local rock and roll scene. Henares is the front man for a famed band, while Castillo is the guitarist for the popular rock band, Sandwich.

The Story revolves around in the film, Irene (De Castro) and Odie (Abalos) as best friends brought together by their common love for Rock n’ Roll. Odie eventually falls in love with Irene, and helps fulfill her dreams of forming a band. They eventually recruit an ex-punk-turned-barista named Mo (Ketchup Eusebio) and the school bully Junfour (Alwyn Uytingco), thus, the band “HAPIPAKS” was born. As the band goes on the difficult path to finding their place in the music industry, Irene is wooed by her all-time supercrush, the famous rockstar Jacci Rocha (Ocampo), and the one thing that brought her and Odie together might end up destroying them. The supporting characters add color and humor to the cast, with Ramon Bautista as the music video director Flame Tigerblüden, Ricardo Cepeda as a samurai marketing guru, Jun Sabayton as Mo’s artist roommate, and Matet de Leon as… Matet de Leon.

Rakenrol opens on September 21, in theatres nationwide, and is produced by Furball and Reality Entertainment, in cooperation with PostManila.

***

Bubonika namumuro na kay Nora

MUKHANG hindi nag-succeed si Bubonika sa ilusyon niyang ma-penetrate si Nora Aunor.

Dahil obvious namang she’s a two-timing witch of a bitch, the superstar avers that she is going to have a head-on collision confrontation of sort with the scheming bitch one of these days.

Hahahahahaha!

Mukhang unti-unti ng dumarating ang bad karma ng babaing ito na isang certified na attack and collect matrona. Hakhakhak!

Sabi ng Superstar, napi-freak-out na raw si John Rendez sa mga kaokrayang pinagsususulat ng babaing walang kredibilidad. Hakhakhak!

What truly rankles according to the multi-awarded actress is the fact that both of them are working for the same network.

Hahahahahahaha! Kapalistik kasi ang mukha.

Anyway, this woman who’s ostensibly money-oriented is once again trying to win the approval of the queenstar for all seasons Ms. Vilma Santos.

Kapal! Over sa kapalllll!

Hindi mo talaga malaman kung kanino ba talaga siya o kung ano ang gusto niya. Hahahahaha!

How pathetic!

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09053195407 and #09339220112 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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