Dinapurak ng bad karma si Ferminata! hahahaha!

HAHAHAHAHA! Dati-rati, oozing with vitriol ang panulat ni Cristinelli Salazar Fermin kapag may mga teevee programs na nalilipat sa bagong timeslot.

Katsangera talaga siya at napaka-mean ng kanyang commentaries kaya ngayong deluvic (deluvic daw, o! Hahahahaha!) ang outcome ng kanyang teevee hosting career, hindi na niya malaman kung ano ang kanyang gagawin ngayong parang basurang itinatapon kung saan-saang timeslot ang kanilang walang kakatas-katas na showbiz-oriented program. Hahahahahaha!

Sa totoo lang, kinakapalan na lang ng ngangaerang lola (ngangaerang lola raw, o! Hahahahahaha!) ang kanyang mukha sa harap-harapang pang-iinsulto sa kanila ng network dahil sa kawalan ng rating at ad placements ng kanilang super cheap na show. Hahahahahaha!

What happened to your queen of intrigues, Mr. Perci Intalan? Akala ko ba’y magaling ‘yan. How come she’s being avoided like the plague by the ad men?

Considering the kind of huge salary that you’re paying her, why is she not being axed when she has igniminiously failed your enormous expectations? Hahahahaha!

How gross!

During our time, ten to twelve ang aming ad placements considering that we were compensated in a very minimal fashion.

Kaya lang naman nagkaroon ng pagbabago noon ay dahil mas pinakinggan ninyo ang mga sipsiperang achuchuchu ninyo riyan na baguhin ang format dahil nagsi-shine kami roon nina Morly Alinio at Rey Pumaloy.

Pero take note, unti-unti na namang nangagsisipagbalikan ang mga commercials nang hinayaan n’yo kaming gawin ang hosting style na nagustuhan ng mga tao pero nagmamadali na ngang makapasok si Lola Nganga kaya pinabatsi (pinabatsi raw, o!Hakhakhak!) n’yo na agad kami.

Little did you know that the televiewers would abandon the show the very moment Lola Crispy’s antiquated hosting would start to dominate the scene. Hahahahahaha!

‘Yung mga viewers naming predominantly male ay pinagwelgahan siya dahil hindi sila maka-relate sa ngangaistic way of hosting a show na forte ng lola n’yo. Hakhakhak!

In all honesty, insultong malaki sa pagkakababae (?) mo ang ginawang pag-iwan sa ‘yo ng mga viewers namin na diring-diri (yes, Lola, that’s the exact word – diring-diri! Hakhakhak!) sa ‘yong cheap manner of hosting na mas matanda pa sa Bulkang Mayon sa Kabikulan. Hahahaha!

Whatever, ang latest ay sa graveyard shift ka na naman pala itinapon dahil sa kawalan mo ng ROI (return of investment vagah! Hahahahaha!) at good ratings.

Hahahahahaha! How doltish can you get. Imagine, naikot mo na nga naman ang lahat ng timeslots pero to no avail (to no avail daw, o! Hahahahahaha!) pa rin.

Ang tsaka ay tsaka ay tsaka. Period walang comma! Hahahahahaha!

Without a modicum of an exaggeration, you’re comparable, lola, to a blight. A pestilence!

Tama ang ginawang paglipat sa ibang timeslot ni Amy Perez dahil naging pre-programmer ka lang niya ay natigbak na ang impressive ad placents ng kanyang show. Hahahahahaha!

Anywhere you go, you bring bad vibes and that is the TRUTH!

Magnganga ka na lang together with Shalaletch para mabawasan ang kapal ng apog mo.

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

What goes up must come down, lola. And there is no other way for you but to plunge sraight down where you rightfuly and truthfully belong!

***

May Midas touch talaga si Mr. Deo Endrinal

PEOPLE are awed with his superfab midas touch. ‘Yun bang tipong surefire hit ang isang soap kapag napunta sa kanya tulad ng kabonggahang patuloy na nangyayari sa “100 Days To Heaven” na up to this very minute ay talaga namang hindi kayang kabugin ang taas ng rating.

Starbuilder din si Mr. Endrinal since sumikat nang husto lahat ng aktor na nahawakan niya.

But if there’s one thing with Sir Deo, his feet are still firmly planted or rooted to the ground, his lofty station in life notwithstanding.

At this point, I’d like to tell Sir Deo that I’ve always been a fan. One of your silent admirers actually.

Sana naman, kahit na 1/15th man lang ng swerte mo ay mapunta sa akin.

Hahahahahahaha! Libre naman daw ang pag-iilusyon kaya hayaan n’yo ng mag-ilusyon ako. Hahahahahaha!

***

Over naman sa pagkatsaka ang napunta say Imelda

HAKHAKHAK! Akala siguro ni Imelda Papin ay uso pa ang mga chabukan sa panahong ito.

Oo nga’t belter at may husay namang kumanta ang napunta sa kanyang talent sa Protege ng GMA-7 pero sadly though, the face is unsalvageable.

Sino ba naman kasi ang hahanga sa isang taong Horribly  discolored ang armpits and the face is not that altogether pleasant?

I don’t want to be mean but a good voice is not enough to bring you to where you hanker or want to be.

Buti nga si Ms. Claire at maswerteng napunta sa isang talent na may ganda na ay superfab pa ang itzu.

Some people are indeed born lucky. Hayan at gandara na itong si Jensen Kyra Tenoso, eskalera pa ang kanyang singing voice kaya perfect talaga ang package so to speak.

‘Yung iba naman, sinuwerte sa simula pero sa bandang huli ay inaalat na nang husto dahil sa tsakang mukha.

Hahahahahaha!

Going back to Imelda’s protege, ipaplantsa mo, ne, ang kiki-kili n’yan para kapag tinataas-taas niya habang kumakanta ay maganda-ganda naman ang view na bubulaga sa mga otawzing. Hakhakhakhakhak!

Sayang siya, Bikolana pa naman. Hahahahahaha!

Pa-noselift mo rin ang kanyang ilong habang maaga pa at di pa masyadong kilala.

Period. Ayoko ng tsakaaaaaah! Hahahahahaha!

***

They don’t make moviestars like Ate Vi anymore

I’VE been around for quite sometime. Truth to tell, I’ve already seen truckloads of movie people come and go since the 80s.

Honestly, they don’t make moviestars like Queenstar Vilma Santos these days anymore whose hauntingly beautiful, largely disciplined, has got a terrific PR, concerned with her image, and most importantly, a seasoned actress in the words most authentic meaning.

Sa totoo, matitindi kaagad ang ilusyon ng mga baguhang artista sa ngayon kaya they veritably want of Ate Vi’s unmatched kind of longevity and staying power.

Honestly, when I attended a presscon a couple of days ago, I was appalled with the kind of delusory bearings that the new stars of today exhibit.

Jesus H. Christ! Wala pa ngang napatutunayan at mga starlets palang pero kung makaporma’y saksakan na ng aangas.

Hahahahaha!

No wonder, in a matter of years, at a time when they are still very much in their prime, they are reduced ignominiously to delineating supporting roles or mother roles at that. Hahahahahaha!

How so demeaningly unfair!

Pero wala tayong magagawa dahil they had it coming.

Hindi naman kasi sila tulad ni Ate Vi na at the age of 37 (her kind of euphemism for the kind of age that she’s presently into…Hahahahaha!) ay leading-lady pa ang ginagampanan papel at never na naging suporta kahit kanino.

Pa’no, she has worked indubitably hard to be where she is now.

Dapat lang!

***

Intrigera ang ibang fans ni Ms. Toni Gonzaga!

THE other day, na-shock talaga ako when I received a text message coming from the good-natured Mommy Pinty Gonzaga stating that I have some problem supposedly with Toni Gonzaga’s fans for I have written some unfavorable things about their idol.

Really? When was that?

If I rememember it right, many months ago, I did write some bludgeoning commentaries on Toni because I was honestly affronted with her cool facade of indifference every time I would see her at the Buzz every Sunday.

Kung sina Charlene Gonzales at KC Concepcion ay super beso at smile to the max every time we get to see them, Toni’s kind of cold and indifferent.

Si Kuya Boy Abunda nga na siyang main host ng show ay napakaganda ng treatment sa amin, hurting talaga ang coolness ni Toni so we wrote about it in our columns.

But that was a long time ago already and Toni and I have long patched up our differences tapos heto at may feedbacks raw mula sa mga fansitas ni Ms. Gonzaga na sinisiraan daw namin ito sa aming mga columns?

Hellloooooooo! Are you guys reading Remate, Hataw and Business Mirror because these are the outlets that we have these days.

Maybe you are kind of demented and out of your senses.

Ipakita n’yo nga sa akin ang tabloid na ‘yan kung saan sinisiraan ko raw si Ms. Toni, aber?

Nakapangingilabot ang pantasya ng mga fansitas na ‘to na mapaggawa ng kwento at intriga.

Magsitigil nga kayo dahil you’re definitely out of your senses.

Fomenting baseless and senseless inrigues is not a good thing to do at this point when Toni’s on the way up already.

Tingnan n’yo kasi ang byline at siguruhin n’yong ako ang nagsulat noon.

Cheap!

***

Ang Internet Senasation na si Toffee Calma…bow!

FINALLY, we had the chance to look for the scaldingly sexy pictorials of the sexy actor of the 90s Toffee Calma and judging from what we’ve seen, may K naman talagang mag-pose in his birthday suit up to now ang paboritong leading man ni Ynez Veneracion sa kanyang mga skin flicks before.

Totoo ka, the milky complexion is still very much evident and the thing that provocatively dangles in between his legs still holds some inordinate fascination.

Look at it and be the judge. Hahahahahahaha!

Karamihan kasi sa mga lalakeng nagpapa-sexy these days ay mga dyuts! Hakhakhak!

Mga dyuts raw, o! Hahahahahahahahaha!

***

Peggy sue na ang dati-rating gandarang movie & TV personality

SA TUWING napanonood namin ang isang soap on teevee, nalulungkot kami sa tuwing makikita namin ang horrible metamorphosis ng dating gandara at esekola ang arrive na movie and teevee personality na ‘to na during her younger days ay in-offer-ang gumawa ng remake ng Uhaw ni Ms. Merle Fernandez.

Sa true, she now has become too heavy for comfort and she no longer has the svelte figure that made her a sensation some ten years ago.

No wonder, pinagpalit na siya ng dating ka-live-in niya sa isang babaeng okoy naman ang itzu as compared to her but has a body to die for.

Sana naman ay seryosohin ng babaeng ito ang kanyang pagdyi-dyeta dahil katawa-tawa siyang tingnan sa soap na ‘yun.

Hayan kasi at nakapag-dyeta na kaagad ‘yung isang personalidad doon pero siya ay tabachingching pa rin.

Sayang ka, hija. Tigilan na kasi ang kapu-foodtrip para magka-career ka pa.

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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