Asawa ng sikat na pugilist retokada na nga, niretoke pa! (Hahahaha!)

NAKATATAWA naman ang pictorial ng isang kontrobersyal na esmi ng isang globally famous na pugilist (boxer). Maganda na nga siya dahil sa mga ‘innovations’ (innovations raw, o! Hakhakhak! halos mawalan na nga ng butas ang dati-rati’y may kalakihan niyang ilong… hahahaha!) na ginawa sa kanyang mukha, nakababaliw pa ang ginawang pag-Photoshop sa kanyang cover photo sa isang magazine kung saan siya ang nag-grace ng kanilang cover for the month of January.

Sana man lang, kung hindi niya na-meet ang kanilang lofty standards, iba na lang sana ang kanilang kinuha para sa kanilang cover at hindi ganyang parang di na tuloy siya ang nasa cover nila dahil sinobrahan naman ang tapyas sa kanyang mukha at pinalabas na super svelte ang kanyang katawan to the point na parang afflicted na siya with anorexia nervosa.

Hahahahahaha!

Sa totoo, disappointing ang nagiging outcome ng mga walang kawawaang pag-Photoshop na ‘yan sa ating mga celebrities.

A couple of months ago, naging usap-usapan ang ginawang pagretoke sa series of photographs ng isang sikat na sexy actress/teevee host dahil masyado namang natapyasan ang prominent niyang puson na kapag naka-two piece na ito ay palihim na nangagsisipagtawan ang mga otaw dahil visible ang kanyang puson kahit na exercise and diet to-the-max na ito. Hahahahahahaha!

Sa movies naman, prosthetics ang uso kaya ang isang six-footer pero regular lang ang notes na aktor ay ginawan ng super daks na notes para maelya ang mga vaklushi na manonood sa kanya. Hahahahahaha!

‘Yung isa ngang di katangkaran pero magaling umarte at gwaping na young actor ay nilagyan din ng prosthetics sa isa niyang indie movie para di na mapintasan ang kanyang notes in some of his frontal shots. Hahahahahahaha!

Hay, naku, ‘yang mga Photoshop at prosthetics na ‘yan ay walang binesa sa real thing na matatawag.

I-Photoshop man nang i-Photoshop ang mga litrato n’yo kung peketes naman ito, wala rin.

Sarili n’yo lang ang niloloko n’yo. Hahahahahhahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Juicy nina Ferminata butata sa televiewers

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Kahabag-habag naman itong si Ferminata, ang nag-ilusyong matatalbugan niya ang impressive ratings namin nu’ng time na kami pa nina Rey Pumaloy at Morly Alinio ang co-hosts nina Alex Gonzaga at IC Mendoza.

Imagine, replays na ng Juicy noon, mas mataas pa sa orig na ratings nito. 6% lang naman ang replays namin dahil consistently ay inaabangan ito ng aming viewers, most of which are predominantly males who are amused with the way we deliver our succulent stories.

Hahahahahahaha! Di ba naman, papa Omar?

Eh, sa ngayon, may nagtitiyaga pa bang manood kina Ferminata at Shalaletch na wala namang kasabor-sabor ang mga kwento kaya mas feel pang matulog ng mga televiewer kaysa makunsumi sa kanilang kabaduyan na hindi na uso at wala ng maka-relate pa ever! Hahahahaha!

Besides, sino ba namang lalaki ang maaaliw sa hilatsa ng pagmumukha ni Ferminata na parang naeebak? (Parang naeebak daw, o! Hahahahahahahaha!)

Si Shalaletch, on the other hand, who is going to be entertained with his predominantly esp stories that are baseless and devoid of any substance and entertainment value. Hakhakhak!

‘Yung istilo kasi ni Ferminatext ay wala naman talagang arrive sa mga new generation of teevee watchers dahil antiquated and hackneyed na ito ever. Hahahahahahaha!

Que pobrecita! Mabuti nga at di pa rin natitigbak ‘yan diyan sa TV5 dahil sa kapit niya kay Mr. Perci Intalan na siyang nagdala sa kanya sa nasabing network thinking, perhaps, that she’s still the hot personalities that she was during the late 80s and early 90s. Hahahahahahahaha!

Kung dati’y in na in ang kanyang pagtula-tula, now, being the new millennium, antiquated na ang ganong style dahil mga tag-lish na ang uso sa national television. Hahahahahahaha!

Kung bakit kasi iba na ang in vogue, ipinagpipilitan pa rin ang bornok niyang istilo na isinusuka na ng publiko. Hahahahahahahaha!

Hay, naku, lola, you’re perfectly suited to go to the mountains where you veritably belong. Hahahahaha!

Kahabag-habag ka naman, lola. Ipinagsisiksikan mo ang iyong sarili sa network na sukang-suka na sa ‘yo kaya kung saan-saan ka na lang itinatapon. Hahahahahaha!

If that is not retribution or bad karma, I don’t know what is!

Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Ang laki ng improvement ng personality ni Atty. Persida Acosta

TOTOO pala ang kasabihang kapag nasa limelight na ang isang personalidad, nagbabagong tunay ang kanyang hitsura.

Perfect example itong si Atty. Persida Acosta na nu’ng dati’y may pagka-mama ang arrive pero ngayo’y isa ng veritable celebrity ang dating.

Sa totoo, even if she’s devoid of any make-up, she already has the bearings of a celebrity.

Her skin has become flawless and almost milky white and her mode of dressing has also tremendously improved.

Hindi naman siya ‘yung flashy manamit but she now exudes class and understated elegance.

Anyway, may bagong sched ang top-rating show niyang Public Atorni. Starting January 9, 2012, 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. na ito by insistent public demand.

Mas marami nga naman ang makapanonood nito ngayong nasa primetime na ang airing.

Dapat lang!

***

Dapat ay mag-work-out

YOSI-KADIRI naman ang katawan nitong paparu ni Melai Cantiveros na si Jayson Francisco.

Imagine, walang takot siyang maghubad on national television tapos umaatikabo naman ang kanyang bilbash.

Hindi naman siya comedian in the tradition of Tange and Babalu, it’s but fitting and imperative that he should be taking care of his body if he wants to have a career as a male lead in the business.

Aba’y napanood namin siya the other day sa afternoon soap na “Angelito” ng ABS-CBN at nagulat kami sa kurba ng kanyang katawan na nangagsisipag-igkasan talaga ang bil-blash. Hahahahaha!

Gayahin niya si Melai na oo nga’t hindi kagandahan pero nasa fighting form naman ang katawan.

Dati-rati naman, di naman baboyistic ang katawan nitong si Jayson. Pero mukhang napasasarap lately ang kanyang lafanggetch, ang panget na ng kanyang katawan specially so when he’s half-naked.

Naku, utoy, walang career ang matataba lalo na’t leading man category pa naman ang pinapasok mo.

Go to the nearest workout center and let go of those unflattering bulges.

Now na! Hahahahahahaha!

***

Ideal daughter kaya walang patid ang dating ng swerte

IN SPITE of her very hectic working sched, Governor Vilma Santos never fails to look after the needs of her mom Milagros Tuazon Santos.

In a way, that must have been one of the reasons why she’s always been predominantly lucky.

The mere fact that her mom chose to stay with her in spite of her being just one of her daughters only signifies one thing – she has faith in her and believes that she’ll always give her the best treatment and care possible.

Ganon kasi ang ating mga magulang, in their twilight years, they intuitively know whom to trust best.

Mukhang-mukha na lang ni Ate Vi, very caring na, I can’t blame her mom if she believes she’s capable of giving her the kind of loving and caring that she’s badly in need of these days.

Old people are greatly intuitive. They know what’s best for them and whom to trust.

Indeed, Ate Vi has remained sugar and spice and everything nice the way she was some four decades ago.

***

My top choices for the MMFF

ARAW-ARAW ay naipalalabas sa GMA-7 ang endorsement namin ni Peter Ledesma, specially mine, (Hahahahaha!) ang Panday2 ni Papa Bong Revilla.

Pa’no naman, ang ganda ng ginawang exposures sa amin ng GMA and I find it most touching and ego-boosting as well.

Sabi nga nina Ricky Lo at Manay Lolit Solis, talaga raw I went overboard sa pagpuri ko sa Panday ni Papa Bong.

Honestly, I don’t think so. I just said what I honestly feel and that is how great Bong’s Panday2 is in as far as I’m concerned.

Kung hindi ito nanalo ng major awards at napunta sa isa ko pang paborito (ang Asiong Salonga Story ni Gov. ER Ejercito), I don’t feel a modicum of regret.

Talaga namang mage-enjoy ka sa fantasy movie ng GMA-7 at Imus Productions and that is said in all honesty and sincerity.

Parang ka-level na ito ng mga Harry Potter at iba pang Hollywood fantasy flicks and I did not exaggerate one bit when I said that.

Isa pang factor why I particularly like Panday2 is the presence of one of my favorite personalities in the business, si Papa Bong! Sino pa ba?

Sa totoo, napakabait niyang tao and so nice to talk to.

Wala siyang ere at di ka maiilang dahil napaka-sweet ngang kausap.

Isa ko pang paborito ay ang Asiong Salonga ni Governor ER Ejercito dahil it reminds me of the greatness of Celso Ad Castillo when he was still not that popular and was doing films like Nympha which featured the delectable Rizza.

Of course malaking factor ang presence ng darling of the press na si Governor ER Ejercito na all-giving talaga sa working press without asking anything in return.

Thirdly, I also am intrigued with Kris Aquino’s Segunda Mano basically because of Bb. Joyce Bernal’s inspired direction, Dingdong Dantes’ riveting acting and Kris’ controlled histrionics.

Ang Pang-apat kong choice ay ang Shake, Rattle & Roll 13 ng Regal dahil sa episode one na Tamawo (kung saan ilang ulit akong pinaiyak ng sensitive acting virtuousity nina Maricar Reyes at Bugoy) at episode 3 na Rain, Rain Go Away with Eugene Domingo and Jay Manalo.

The rest, I might just watch one of these days but these four flicks are my top priorities.

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

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