Mala-Titanic na ang kayabangan ni Ferminata (hahahahahahaha!)

KUNG dati-rati’y hindi naman maangas magsalita ang ngetpalites na host ng ratingless na Juice-less (wala kasing kakatas-katas ang arrive nito sa televiewers… Hahahahaha!) na si Lola Ferminata, ngayo’y mala-Titanic na raw ang arrive ng mga bukeke ng tsakistic na radio and teevee host.

Hahahahahahaha!

“Naku, ibang-iba na siyang talaga,” so says a colleague of ours. “Kung dati’y grasyosa naman at feeling ma-PR at mabait, ngayo’y saksakan na ng angas at mataray nang talaga.

“Kasabi-sabi ba naman the last time na naroroon kami, di na raw siya tulad nang dati. Si Ino Sotto na raw ang nagdadamit sa kanya kaya di na siya pwedeng isnab-isnabin. Ganon? Hahahahahahaha!”

Well, no matter how expensive her clothes are if she’s not capble of carrying it with dignity, wala rin.

Kumbaga, it defeats the purpose. (It defeats the urpose raw, o! Hahahahahahahaha!)

Kung bakit kasi di mag-diet para di mga mala-toldang damit ang pinagsususuot, ano? Hakhakhak!

Ang nakaaaning pa, walang takot na lumalabas on national television without any make-up on her not-so-pleasant to look at face kaya most of the time, nagiging butt of unsavory jokes siya dahil para siyang nasuntok ni Manny Pacquiao sa mga mata dahil nangingitim ang mga ito. Hahahahahahahaha!

At nakatatawa pa, oozing with braggadocio in her pronouncements si Lola Tsakelya (Lola Tsakelya raw, o! Hahahahahahaha! Ayokooooo!) na pasisikatin daw niya si Iwa Moto gayung sarili nga niya’y di niya magawang pasikatin. Hakhakhak!

Isn’t that something outrageously funny? Hahahahahahahaha!

Ang tagal-tagal mo na sa network na ‘yan, Lou Bonnevie pa rin kayo when it comes to ad placement? Hahahaha!

Ano ba naman ‘yan, Mr. Perci Intalan? Milyones na ang nalulugi sa network mukhang di ka pa rin natatauhan. Hakhakhak!

Tapos na ang panahon ni Lola Ferminata. Nababaduyan na sa kanya ang nakararami dahil nagbago na ang panahon at hindi na maka-relate sa makalumang istilo ng lola n’yo ang mga televiewer. Hakhakhakhakhak!

Huwag niyang gagawing excuse ang late timeslot nila dahil nu’ng time namin, past 12 midnight na ang replays pero 6% pa ang rating na nakukuha.

And to think na mga starlets raw kami at reyna raw ng intrega, este intriga pala (Hahahahahaha! ang andalu…bow!), si Ferminata.

Darling, talent is most important in that kind of show, along with the kind of entertainment that you can offer.

Ginagaya n’yo ang pagtatawanan namin, in my case, in particular, but you sound like a witch and the other one like a leprechaun. Hahahahahahaha!

Di naa-attract sa inyo, sas totoo, ang predominantly male televiewers na nahatak namin noon. Hahahahahaha!

Wala kayong appeal ni Shalaletch, why don’t you go to the mountain and eat everything your chubby fingers can lay on to. Hakhakhakhakhak!

Hindi kayo nakatutuwa o nakatatawa. You’re bad to the eyes and anathema to the ears. Hakhakhak!

At least umaatikabo na ang andalu n’yo. You, in particular, oldies Firminata. Hakhakhak!

Honestly, and I’m not saying this without in the least bit sounding antagonistic or sarcastic, (Hahahahahahahaha!) the expensive makes of cars that you own are more suited to be owned by the likes of me who will definitely blend with their classy and expensive features. Hahahahahahahaha!

Ang bagay sa ‘yo ay mga karag-karag na taxi dahil pangbadang (would you know what that is supposed to mean? Hakhakhak!) ang fezlak mo.

Hahahahahahaha!

Nakabrilyante ka na nga, mukha ka pa ring poor.

Poor daw, o! akhakhakhakhak!

‘Yun lang!

***

Richard G. wants to get out of his comfort zone

IN A recent meeting, Richard Gutierrez has made it imperative to the GMA creative team when they were brainstorming in connection with his next project that he wants something totally different and challenging for his next soap.

The actor in him wants to get out of his comfort zone and delineate roles that he’s never done before and act opposite actors that he’s never had the chance to work with.

But before that, Survivor Philippines: Celebrity Doubles Showdown will have its jolting finale on Feb. 10.

Aired live from GMA, it will showcase the fearless four who made the grade after weeks of tough and rigorous challenges in an idyllic island in Palawan.

Of course, the rest of the contestants will also be around to witness the show’s grand finale.

Surprising twists and turns will be showcased during the show’s finale on Feb. 10 when the champion Survivor is finally chosen.

Anyway, Chard hopes to host the next edition of Survivor Philippines later this year.

At any rate, the Gutierrez siblings (Richard, Raymond and Ruffa) just signed up with Viva, officially making it their agent for commercial and endorsements.

Still on Richard, he has made it imperative that he wants to get out of the proverbial box that he’s been encased with for the past few years.

Daring and off-beat roles are welcome provided there are some meat to it and enough challenge for the actor in him.

Dapat lang! After all, he’s no longer the cutesie-patootsie boy when he started out in the business many years ago.

***

Gay marriage idinenay pero marami ang nagsasabing totoo

HAHAHAHAHA! How so very funny naman ang reactions ng isang suspected to be a latent homosexual na former actor sa isang sikat na network.

Deny to-the-max siya sa kanyang gay marriage sa isang vaklung na rica-rica sa Tate pero marami naman ang nagsasabing true ito.

Ang totoo niyan, so rami ang nagkakagulo sa kanyang sizzling pictorials in the buff bagama’t not that imposing or formidable ang kanyang notes. Hahahahahaha!

Hindi naman daw kasi fully erected kaya hindi mo maia-accuse na regulares lang ang kantheyang noteszing. (Noteszing daw, o! Hakhakhak!

Anyway, he seems to be doing well in the States, he appears not to be that interested to go back to our country to further his showbiz career that has long seen better days.

Whatever, a lot of gays are definitely smitten with his provocative pics and are interested to meet (or is mate more apt? Hahahahaha!) him. Hahahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Looming goldmine si Roseanne

PROMISING ang bagong discovery ng GMA na si Roseanne na introducing bale sa new soap nilang Biritera that also highlights the new tandem of Dennis Trillo and Glaiza de Castro.

Sa grand presscon nito the other night sa studio 7 ng nasabing network, speechless kami habang kumakanta si Dennis ng isang old song ni Ted Ito na sumikat wayback during the late 80s na ang main gist ay maging patient ka lang at lahat ng mga pinapangarap mo ay magkakaroon ng katuparan.

Dennis sang it with so much passion and emotion we cried along with Roseanne as she shed copious tears while Dennis (who essays her brother in the soap that’s slated to detonate on February 6 on GMA Telebabad) sang with so much relish.

Anyhow, the new child prodigy of GMA is definitely promising and we have this feeling that a few weeks from now, she’s going to become a sensation among the throng of televiewers who are perennially glued to the said network.

Sa totoo, complimentary ang personalidad nilang dalawa ng kanyang Kuya Dennis.

Nakatutuwa ring kasama sa soap ang fave actress naming si Angelika dela Cruz who essays Roseanne’s loving adoptive mother.

Kakaiba ang staying power ni Angelika who started out way back during the late 80s as a contract star of Regal films when she was very, very young.

Sa totoo, sa batch na ‘yun, siya na lang yata at si Ricardo Cepeda ang natira, samantalang nagbabalik naman sina Noel Colet (who is surprising looking so old and plump) at Tata Mara who looks fit and young.

Anyway, going back to Biritera, it’s being directed by one of the finest directors in the business Direk Maryo J. delos Reyes.

And since Direk Maryo J. is at the helm, naririyan siyempre an mga talents niyang sina Yul Servo at ang very promising ding si Orlando Sol as the keyboardist Egay.

Paboritong aktor si Orlando ng friend naming si Peter Ledesma dahil napanood niya ang isang gay indie movie kung saan naipakita ni Orlando ang kanyang innate acting skill, specially his intimate moving scenes with his dying gay lover.

Nakatutuwa talagang we have a director like Maryo J. who’s got an innate concern with the little people in the industry.

***

Eula, Empress, Nikki at Ejay sa pinakabagong Kapamilya Gold drama ng ABS-CBN

MAPANONOOD na starting Monday, Januray 30, ang pinakabagong de-kalibreng teleserye na kukumpleto sa Kapamilya Gold ng ABS-CBN.

Maituturing na isang ‘casting coup’ ang nasabing teleserye dahil sa bagong kombinasyon ng mga artista.

Ang “Mundo Man ay Magunaw” ay pagsasamahan ng ilan sa mga pinakamahuhusay na batang aktor at premyadong artista ng bansa na kinabibilangan nina Empress, Nikki Gil, Ejay Falcon, Sylvia Sanchez, Allan Paule, Pinky Amador, Jason Gainza, Dianne Medina, Alex Castro, Tessie Tomas at Eula Valdes.

Ayon kay Eula, marami ang makare-relate sa kuwento ng kanilang bagong show in the sense na ang character niya rito ay isang mapagmahal na ina na gagawin ang lahat muling makasama lang ang mga anak niya na nawalan sa kanya nang makulong siya for more than 20 years. Happy naman si Empress sa panibagong pagkakataong maging bida sa panghapong teleserye ng ABS-CBN. Aniya, tiyak na tututukan ng TV viewers ang mga karakter ng kanilang kuwento.

“Excited akong mapanood nila ito kasi ngayon lang ako gagawa ng mas mature na role. Mabuting anak ako dito pero palaban. Kakaiba rin dito si dito si Ms. Eula dahil parang ngayon lang siya hindi kontrabida,” ani ni Empress.

Bago naman sa acting career ni Nikki ang kanyang gagampanan bilang bida-kontrabida sa karakter niyang puno ng ambisyon at naghahanap ng pagtanggap.

“Ako po rito si Jennifer La Peña. Isa po akong matapang na babae na gustong mapatunayan sa lola ko na ako ang karapat-dapat na tagapagmana niya,” sabi ni Nikki.

Sa direksyon nina Jeffrey Jeturian at Rechie Del Carmen, Magsisimula na ang pag-ikot ng mundo nina Olivia, Sheryl at Jennifer sa Enero 30 (Lunes) ang pagbubukas ng teleseryeng para sa lahat ng ina at para sa kanilang mga anak. Araw-araw ito sa Kapamilya Gold ng ABS-CBN.

***

The secret of Ate Vi’s staying power

WHAT makes Queenstar Vilma Santos tick?

Why is she still very much around when her contemporaries are already old news and stale?

Well, her absolute and total dedication to her craft could be one of the reasons, along with her passion for beauty and mania for looking good at an age when most women are already worn out and wrinkled. Hahahahahaha!

Look na lang kasi sa kanyang mga contemporaries and be amazed with her still youthful glow and aura when people her age are already contempating on retirement and preparing for old age pension and the likes. Hahahahahaha!

Sparkling pa rin nga ang beauty ni Ate Vi and she smells infinitely divine. Hahahahahaha!

Samantalang amoy nganga na ang iba riyan, virginal pa ang kanyang scent at dainty and demure.

Now, are you guys wondering why young men are still fascinated with her kind of beauty?

Nag-iisa lang si Ate Vi and it takes endless dedication and enormous sacrifice to be able to look stunningly good at an age when most women are already tired grannies. Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

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