Comedic gays terror ng mga masahista (hahahahaha!)

HAHAHAHAHA! Could it be true?

Ang say ng deep penetrating agents natin, terror raw ng mga male masseurs ang dalawang comedic gays in the business na ‘to kaya pinakaiiwasan nilang maging customers sila. Hahahahahaha!

Why is that so?

Madam Curie ba silang dalawa? Are they uncouth and inconsiderate and most demanding in bed?
Hahahahahahaha!

Kind of, but not naman to the point of demanding supposedly some obnoxious scenes to be done or performed by the money-oriented masahistas. Hahahahaha!

Why then are they being avoided like the plague?

Simple lang, their dicks (Hakhakhak! how embarrassing nga naman on the part of the masseurs to be having gay customers that are enormously well-endowed..Hahahahaha!) are purportedly so humongous the masseurs are acutely embarrassed to be givinng them the ‘works’ since they get to see how their notes pale in comparison with their customers’ fabulous endowments. Hakhakhak!

Ang nakatatawa, naka-mujer pa mandin ‘yung isa replete with full make-up and long hair. Hahahahahaha!

Tapos pag naghubad na, shakira ang mga masahista dahil halos one-third lang ang mga notes nila. Hakhakhak!

‘Yung isa naman, ang taba-taba raw ng nota halos manliit sa tindi ng kahihiyan ang mga regular lang ang notes na masahista. Hakhakhak!

Kaya in the event na makita nilang paparating palang ang mga daks na baklitas, hide galore na ang mga pobreng masseur dahil di raw nila carry na service-san ang dalawang dakotang maricona.

Hakhakhak!

Pag nag-demand daw kasi ng BJ ang dalawang pabolosa ang kanotahang mga claving, afraid na raw ang mga ombres dahil hindi naman nila kayang idyosok sa kanilang mga mouth piece (mouth piece raw, o! Hahahahahahaha!) ang que largo grandeng mga batutas ng dalawang mai-elyang mga bading.

Hahahahahahaha!

No wonder, not looking for love na raw ‘yung dakotang TV host/actress (teevee host/actress raw, o! Hakhakhak!) dahil wala naman daw itong makasundong lalaki sa kama. Hakhakhak!

‘Yung isang claving naman na so kapal ang labi at soo laki ang bibig at matris (matris raw, o! Hakhakhak!) ay wala namang reklamo sa mga ombaw dahil di siya nag-iilusyong makahahanap ng mga matitinong ombres sa mga ganong klaseng lugar. Hahahahaha!

Oks na sa kanya ang makapaglaro at maipagpag (maipagpag daw, o! Hakhakhak!) ang kaelyahan sa katawan. Hahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Horror man o drama kakaiba pa rin ang artistry ng isang Erich Gonzales

ERICH Gonzales has indeed gone a long, long way since she had emerged as the winner in that national search for a new star by ABS-CBN a couple of years ago when she was barely thirteen or fourteen years old.

Fresh from her success at the teevee sudsy Maria la del Barrio, her first maindie (a combination of mainstream and indie flick) movie under Skylight films is slated to detonate in some 100 giant cinemas all over the country on March 14, 2012.

Medyo naiiba ang movie na ‘to dahil nag-construct sila ng isang set sa isang lugar na medyo may kalayuan sa Maynila. Isang araw nga raw, even Derek Ramsay himself was kind of jolted when he was about the leave the set and went to Erich to bid her adieu and discovered that she was motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling.

“Medyo nagulat lang ako dahil she was made up as Corazon when she was hideously transformed as aswang,” he articulates his feelings, “tapos di siya nagsasalita at nakatingin lang sa kisame. Hahahahaha!

“It was an experience I won’t forget ever!”

O, di ba naman? Hahahahahahaha!

Anyway, sang-ayon naman sa Ilonggong direktor na si Richard Somes, naiiba raw ang movie nila nina Derek at Erich dahil wala ritong special effects na ginamit para i-distort ang hitsura ni Erich sa mga scenes na nagta-transform na siya bilang aswang.

Purely cinematic make-up lang daw ‘yun at walang ibang effects na ginamit.

What makes Corazon, Ang Unang Aswang different from other horror movies is the fact that it started out as an appealing love story between two hopelessly in love couple and much later on, doon na pumasok ang evil character ni Erich nang ma-disappoint siya sa kanyang failed pregnancy.

Anyhow, Director Richard Somes used to work for Peque Gallaga when he was younger and that explains his penchant for horror movies.

***

Toni Gonzaga sa month-long special ng ‘Wansapanataym’

THE last time we’ve seen Toni Gonzaga in a teevee sudsy was almost two years ago when she also did a month long special about a woman who was cursed into being perpetually young.

Nasa Juicy pa kami noon (the rating one and not the dull and vapid version with the scheming and aging Ferminata..Hahahahahahahaha!) at aliw na aliw talaga sa love story na mala-Somewhere in Time ang dating nina Luis Manzano at Toni.

Totoo ka, it’s been almost two years but her acting was still vividly etched in our memory and was not dimmed one bit with the passing of time.

Today, may bago na namang month-long special si Toni sa Wansapanataym starting March 10 at makakasama niya sina Guji Lorenzana, Isay Alvarez, Atoy Co, Angel Sy, Nina Dolino, Bryan Termulo, Eda Nolan, Tess Antonio, Cecile Paz, Dexter Doria at marami pang iba.

Ang Witchy Mitch ay sa panulat ni Joel Mercado at sa direksyon ni Eric Salud, samantalang ang Hannah Panahon ay sa script ni Noreen Capili at sa direksyon ni Don Cuaresma.

Anyway, while Toni was talking animatedly at the presscon, the dyonne of the entertainment writers Madam Ethel Ramos was seated beside us and was heaping truckload of praises to the enduring actress/teevee host.

Bilib daw siya sa husay ni Mommy Pinty na magpatakbo ng career ni Toni at hanga naman siya sa levelheadedness ng aktres na nananatiling subservient sa kanyang mga magulang kahit na fabulous na ang kanyang liquidity.

And speaking of liquidity, Toni says that she purportedly makes it a point naman to check her investments, along with her money in the bank once in a while but apart from that, she allows Mommy Pinty to be in charge of her finances.

Kung ang ibang mga babaeng artista ay super liberated, siya raw naman, she listens to the counsel of her parents because she believes that’s the right thing to do.

Dapat lang!

Mapanonood nga pala ang Wansapanataym right after Kapamilya: Deal Or No Deal.

***

Call him Mr. Hunk!

HAHAHAHAHA! Strict daw ang parents niya (I just don’t know if he comes from a conservative buena familia) but Mr. Hunk dreams of becoming a popular fashion and ramp model.

With his boyish appeal and bulging (bulging daw, o! Hakhakhak!) crotch, everybody’s titillated to see him parading with utmost confidence on the ramp in his skimpy bikini trunk. Hahahahahahaha!

Look at his succulent body somewhere in this spread and be convinced that he’s got what it takes not only as a fashion and ramp model but as an indie actor as well.

Tilam-tilam ka raw! Hahahahahahaha!

***

Notang ‘di kalakihan at discolored, kinaaaliwan (hahahahaha!)

DATI-RATI, he was much sought-after and really hot!

But ftor some reasons, his star had considerably plummeted, he had no other choice but to leave the country to try his luck abroad.

Many years hence, he came back again obviously in search of good job opportunities.

At dahil sa magaling tumalkies at mahaba ang dila (dila lang daw ang mahaba, o! Hakhakhak!), nakadalawang chicks kaagad siya.

‘Yung una, natauhan kaagad at muling nakipagbalikan sa kanyang long-time Chinese papa.

Itong ikalawa, dahil lukring sa pag-ibig, cry me a river raw nang maihatid na sa airport ang babaerong paparu.

Hahahahahahahaha!

Ang siyete ng isang vaklung na nakahada sa kanya (nakahada raw talaga, o! Hahahahahaha!), rumored na good in bed daw ang not-so-young ombre na ‘to pero sa chicks lang. Hahahahahahaha!

Otherwise, may pagka-Laila Do (lying down beauty bagah! Hahahahahaha!) lang ito.

Ang nakalulukring pa, hindi naman daw well-endowed (feeling lang bagah! Hahahahahahaha!) at may kaitiman pa ang nota. Hakhakhak!

Que horror! True ba itech? Hakhakhak!

Sa inyo na lang siya, please lang! Hahahahahahahahaha!

***

Reunion ni Ate Vi with old friend Marie Barbaqui nangyari sa set ng ‘The Healing’

WAY BACK during the 70s and the 80s, very prominent ang pangalang Marie Barbaqui sa career ni Queenstar Vilma Santos. Sa mga taong nali-link noon kay Ate Vi, pinakamatunog ang pangalan nitong si Marie na 77 years old na pala sa ngayon.

Anyway, upon the mediation of Direk Edgar Mortiz, whom the aging movie fan has approached so she could be reunited with her idol, Marie was able to meet Ate Vi once again four days ago on the set of Star Cinema’s The Healing.

Nagulat daw talaga ang gandara pa ring aktres when at dinner time, Tirso Cruz III and wife Lyn came on the set tagging along with them a close companion of hers during her younger years, Marie Barbaqui.

They have been estranged from each other for almost 15 years.

Predictably so, when Ate Vi hugged her, Marie cried with all the pent-up longings that she has kept bolted inside of her all these years.

The eventful meeting meant so much to Marie who was a loyal fan of Ate Vi up to now.

Touching, di ba naman?

Ikaw na ang maging queenstar for all seasons.

***

Bongga ang special appearance ni Madam Bella F. sa ‘My Kontrabida Girl’

BONGGACIOUS pala ang My Kontrabida Girl nina Aljur Abrenica at Rhian Ramos na idinerek ni Jade Castro.

Imagine, siya pala ang responsable sa monster hit na Zombadings (Patayin sa Syokot si Remington) na pinagbidahan ni Mart Escudero (a homegrown talent of GMA who’s now a contract artist of the Kapatid network).

Anyway, famous contravida ang role ni Rhian Ramos rito na nawala ang fire sa kanyang acting magmula nang magkaroon siya ng near-death accident.

To solve her problem, Isabel (Rhian’s character) seeks for the help of the legendary villainess of all times Ms. Bella Flores who gave her a sound advise to look for the person who hurt her the most (in her case it’s Chris Bernal (Aljur Abrenica) to get herself back.

Palabas na ang GMA films movie na ‘to on the 14th of March at kasama nila rito sina Jake Vargas, Bea Binene, Chariz Solomon, Kevin Santos, ang katilam-tilam na si Enzo Pineda, Ken Chan, Gwen Zamora, Ms. Bella Flores and Bela Padilla.

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

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