Kailan naman naging reyna ang impaktang gurang na si Marianita, aber?

MAY mga releases raw ang kampo ng gurang na si Marianita Lukresya na naiinggit lang daw kami sa babaeng mal-edukada dahil sikat siya at maanda. Hahahahahahahaha!

Buhkitttt? Why should we be envious of her fame when she’s already a goner?

Ms. Vilma Santos, Megastar Sharon Cuneta, Superstar Nora Aunor, Queen of all Media Ms. Kris Aquino, among many others are the veritable queens in show business.

Pero si Marianing? Puhleeeeezzzzzeeeee! Hakhakhak!

She was never and will never be a queen!

Queen ba ‘yang flopzing ang My Gilagid mereseng katambal na niya ang isang veritable box-office actor na tulad ni Dingdong Dantes?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I beg your pardon, old biddies, like I said, your Marianing was never a queen and will never be one.

Ano ba ang nangyari sa last movie niya sa Regal films na festival entry pa naman ng outfit ni Mother Lily Monteverde? Hindi nga ba’t nangitlog ito sa takilya, tapos sasabihin n’yong queen ang banlag na ‘yan na sooo laki ang butas ng ilongski? Hahahahahaha!

I-handle man ‘yan ng ilung gurang na ‘yan na mukhang anda, it’s not going to work because her kind of popularity had long ceased to work.

Ang laos ay laos ay laos!

Period. Walang comma! Hahahahahahahahaha!

Sino ba naman ang manonood sa babaeng ‘yan na kung umarte ay parang naeebak at walang conviction na maituturing?

Jesus H. Christ! Tumanda na’t lahat, bobita bumblebee pa rin when it comes to acting! Hakhakhak!

Puwede-bra-pantyline-make-it-brief, I’m positive that this new dramedy she’s going to star in is going to become another loser.

Loser in terms of ad placements and ratings. Hahahahahahahaha!

Magpatulong ka kasi sa Inay Nganga mo, ‘yung flopsinang host ng mga walang katorya-toryang shows sa isang filthy rich na network. Hahahahahahahahaha!

How pathetic!

‘Nga pala, why should I be envious of Marianing’s kind of popularity when, like I said, she’s a veritable has-been and frantically holding on to her fast fading youth? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Di kaya ang gawin na naman ni Marianing, ang babaeng mukhang kuting, (babaeng mukhang kuting daw, o! Hakhakhak!) ay mag-roadshow na naman all over the Philippines para maengganyo ang mga taong panoorin ang kanyang walang kasabor-sabor na dramedy kuno? Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

My goodness, unsalvageable na ang career ng babaeng itong nalugas na ang buhok dahil sa too much rebonding.

Nalugas raw ang buhok because of too much rebonding, o! Hahahahahahaha!

Kaaning!

Sa true, you will never make it again if you’re not going to change your veritably rotten and evil ways.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Going back to this allusion that I’m purportedly envious of her beauty and career, (Hahahahahahahaha!) why, the hell, should I be envious of a career that will soon become extinct and no longer in vogue?

Ang tagal ko na kaya sa show business but I’m still very much around.

Moviestars come and go but I’m still here doing the thing that I love most – writing about actors and actresses in my own biting but truthful manner of writing. Hahahahahahahaha!

Look, darling, Bela Padilla has become a veritable sensation when she appeared on the cover of FHM mag while your cover in another glossy and sleekly packaged English mag did not even create a ripple.

Hahahahaha!

Pa’no kasi, Tagalista ka at all throughout the interview yata you were not able to talk in one sentence that’s wholly in English. Hahahahahahaha!

Ang layu-layo mo naman kay Bela Padilla, darling, who’s inordinately articulate and fresh and beautiful, too, the natural way.

Ikaw, ilang eyebags na naman kaya ang pina-laser mo? Hahahahahahahaha!

Saan ka ba nagpalipo, lola, para mapanatili mo ang svelte body mo na kung di mo gagawan nang paraan ay magsa-sag ng parang saging na nabubulok! Hahahahahahahaha!

Look, super rating ang afternoon soap na Hiram na Puso nina Bela kung saan major support siya ni Kris Bernal.

Carry mo ‘yun?

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Sabi nga pala ng friendship kong si Peter Ledesma, it’s more than about time that you become pregnant because you’re not getting any younger, dear. Harharhar!

Yayain mo na kasi si Papa Dong at baka sa iba pa mapunta ang pinapantasyang mong punla niya. Hahahahahahaha!

Que pobrecita!

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

***

Appetizing Gabriel Tuazon

HE IS young, fresh and devoid of any inhibitions in baring his gigantic (gigantic daw, o! Hahahahaha!) asset in most of the talent search and bikini open that he chose to be a part of.

At lagi na, di siya nawawala sa top 5, kundi man naiuuwi niya ang titulo.

Take a look at his gorgeous body, isn’t Gabriel Tuazon simply irresistible? Hahahahaha!

***

Pooh and K Brosas Live at The Music Museum

POOH and K Brosas, together with Pokwang and Chokoleit, ignite the stage with their hilarious antics on their special show titled 4 the Best at the Music Museum on May 4, 5, 11 and 12.

What happens if we put together four of the country’s top comedians onstage? It’s definitely four times the fun, wackiness and riot.

Pooh promises only a night of laughter with a high voltage performance that will rock the house down. As one of the country’s brilliant entertainers, Pooh can make the crowds holler the moment he opens his mouth with his comic punch lines.

“Ibang level ang excitement ko sa show na ito. Enjoy kasing kasama sina K, Pokwang at Chokoleit. Ang sarap silang kabatuhan ng mga jokes. Hindi ka masasaktan pero sasakit naman ang tiyan mo sa katatawa.Iniimbitahan ko ang lahat na manood ng 4 the Best kasi nothing but the best performance ang handog naming apat sa inyo. “Hindi kayo magsisisi, promise. Sa show naming ito, hindi ko ipagbabawal ang pagtawa ng malakas pero bawal ang sumimangot,” says Pooh.

K will unleash once again her comic power in 4 the Best. K is synonymous with pure entertainment because of her versatility as a singer, host, comedienne and theater performer. “Ang show na ito ay para sa lahat – sa mga taong masasaya, nalulumbay, nababaliw ng dahil sa pag-ibig, sa mga abala at walang magawa sa buhay (para may magawa sila). Ito ay isang pasasalamat sa aming mga fans na walang sawang humahalakhak sa mga jokes namin. Aba, hindi biro ang magpatawa. Try mo. Maiiyak ka kapag walang tumatawa sa mga jokes mo,” adds K.

Tickets at P2750, P1980 and P1100 are available at SM Ticket (4702222) and Ticketworld (8919999).

Pooh and K Brosas are Backroom artists. For inquiries, call Backroom at 4351108 and 4351120 or email at backroominc@hotmail.com

***

Nahuling nagtetebats kaya dyinobo-dyinobo?

SABOG sa tawanan ang mga vaklung sa obviously ay edited na kwento ng isang dead ringer ng yokabang comedian.

Dead ringer ng yokaba raw, o! Hakhakhak!

Nu’ng di pa raw kasi isang sensational entertainer/actor ang vaklung na ‘to na ‘di mo na kayang tawaran ang katarayan these days, na’Julie Vega niyang (nahuli…Hahahahahahaha!) nagbabatibot ang good-looking young actor na ‘to who’s now almost a full grown man.

Ang pralaling ng prominent ang butt na komedyana, (komedyana raw talaga, o! Hahahahahaha!) look lang daw siya sa notes payable nu’ng ombaw at may-I-leave na siya ever.

Leave na raw siya ever, o! Hakhakhak!

Obviously, the story is an edited one knowing fully well how highly sexed this comedian veritably is. Hahahahahaha!

Ang true raw noon, um-um to-the-max ang claving knowing his legendary penchant for fully erected dick. Hahaha!

‘Yun na!

Ang siyete, win galore raw ang vaklung dahil appetizing namang talaga ang aktor especially so during his younger years.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Kung pa’no raw kasi siya mag-blush kapag napag-uusapan ang hadahan blues nila ng maelyang comedian, ganon din daw kapula ang kanya kapag fully erected ito at excited to-the-max.

Excited to-the-max raw, o! Hahahahahahaha!

***

Lalong tumitindi ang rivalry nina Ate Vi at Mama Guy?

ARAW-ARAW hindi pa man ako nakapagsi-sepilyo ay wala nang tigil sa katutunog ang aming cell dahil sa mga avid fans nina Governor Vilma Santos at Superstar Nora Aunor.

Ang emote ng mga Noranians, binibira ko raw pala-palagi ang kanilang idolo.

Really? Eh, bakit for the past 25 years that I had unabatingly wrote about your idol, I never got to receive any positive comments from you people?

Tulad din ba kayo sa inyong idol na almost 30 years ko ng sinusulat ay hindi pa rin ako matandaan dahil I just loved to see her from a distance?

In stark contrast, the Vilmanians are such wonderful people.

Halos araw-araw, unabatingly, they never fail to thank me for remembering to drop a line or two about their idol.

‘Yung iba pa nga, they would ask me out on a date and treat me to a sumptuous dinner to the extent that I also would go home with a little souvenir from them.

Touching, di ba naman?

Ito na lang si Master Joey ay niregaluhan talaga ako ng napakagandang relo na pangdekorasyon na rin at the same time sa bahay namin dahil sa personalized talaga ang pagkakagawa.

Kahit si franco na umuwi lang dito sa atin para um-attend sa mga meetings nila  ng mga kapwa niya Vilmanian ay binigyan ako ng pabango na ikina-touch ko nang todo-todo.

The rest of the Vilmanians never fail to send in some messages to my cellphones which I find enormously touching.

Si Pareng Willie Fernandez na lang ay walang kasawa-sawang nagti-text sa amin ng mga trivia about Ate Vi and my new friend Allan Gaw communicates assiduously, too, almost on a day to day basis.

Ganon din ang VSSI President na si Jojo Lim. Bongga ang mga words of wisdom na kanyang pinadadala early in the morning.

Kunsabagay,magtataka ka ba eh napaka-sweet naman ng kanilang idolo?

Hindi sa nilalait ko si Ate Guy but I find her unreachable and hard to deal with.

‘Yun lang!

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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