Bulong Halimaw sanggang dikit ng ngetpalites na si Bubonika!

MAY bagong cheapanggang tandem sa harbatan sa ngayon sa show business.

‘Yan ay ang ugly beyond belief na si Bubonika (Hahahahahaha!) na may pretensyon na holier than thou kuno ang kanyang pagkatao pero saan ka, maitim pa ito sa burak! Hahahahahahaha!

Ito namang si Bulong Halimaw ay garapalan talaga kung tumirada from way, way back pa.

How gross! Hahahahahahahaha!

Pati ba naman barbecue ay pinapatulan sa kanyang batian portion sa showbiz-oriented talkshow na ‘yun na nakaririmarim talaga ang kanyang diskarte at pagmumukha?

Diskarte’t pagmumukha raw, o! How untakably gross! Hakhakhak!

Anyway, partners in crime of late ang dalawang guranggang tsakado na mahilig sa tsekibo.
Hakhakhak!

Ang pagkakaiba lang siguro sa kanilang diskarte, may pretensyon at packaging si Duldolika alias Bubonika, sa- mantalang out and out corrupt si Bulong Halimaw at public knowledge nang feel na feel niya ang anda. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Anyhow, when it comes to boys, mas aktibo ang sex life ni Bubonika (she goes for delectable young men whom she loves to fellate con mucho gusto, sometimes without her dentures on..Hahahahahahahahaha! Honey, she’s a veritable man eater! Hahahahahahaha!).

Si Bulong Halimaw, on the other hand, is straight when it comes to her oh, soo colorful sex life.

Classic na siguro ‘yung love story nila ng isang bisexual na PR man na ang ending ay pinagpalit siya sa isang educated gay (SLN) but was not in any way half as moneyed or well-connected as she. Hahahahahahaha!

Bulong Halimaw must have felt enormously insulted for the man of her dreams chose an obese penniless gay compared to her fabled opulence. Hahahahahahahahaha!

English speaking naman kasi ang vaklung and amusing in a fastidious manner most gays are famous for. Hakhakhak!

Whereas Bulong Halimaw was/is cheapness personified with her blubbering mouth and ubiquitous sandals. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

How gross!

Anyway, mukhang kakambal talaga ng dupangera sa anda ang kamalasan. Hayan at laging napo-postpone ang airing ng show ng isang good-natured and popular actress dahil ang dalawang harbatera ba naman ang special guests? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Kahit kailan, ang kamalasan ng dalawang tsakang guranggang babaeng ito ay nagra-rub-on talaga sa mga taong nakahahalubilo nila.

So beware of these pigs! (pigs raw talaga, o! How so apt a description! Hakhakhak!)

They are out to devour every ounce of your wealth with their salivating mouths! Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Ate Vi iniintriga ng halimaw na si Vavalina!

TAHIMIK at behave ang mga totoong tagahanga ni Mama Guy nang lumabas ang column item natin tungkol sa kanila ni Ate Vi.

Bagama’t na-hurt siguro sila (and for that I sincerely apologize) but no one did react in a most pugnacious or cavalier manner.

But Joey ‘Vavalina’ de Cash-tro, the diabolical and piggish dolt from faraway island of Tralala (Hakhakhak!) has seized the the opportunity to send in once again those untakably repugnant flip messages of his at our cell.

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

As if I don’t know how hideously he operates and how scheming his demonic ways and style are. Hahahahahaha!

Typical of this demented, ugly and smelly old hag of a fag, (old hag of a fag daw, o Hakhakhak! how fitting and apt!) he bought once again a series of sim cards and religiously send in those flip messages that are his ignominious stock-in-trade. Hahahahahaha!

In his demented frame of mind, this smelly old fag has repeatedly accused the Queenstar for all Seasons some infinitely baseless and palpably imagined things and courses of action that she has never done.

I’m not saying that Queen Vilma Santos happens to be the most ideal public servant this side of Hollywood but to say that she is corrupt would be a gross exaggeration.

People of Batangas have witnessed how hardworking she is and how enormously dedicated to her craft as well.

For one, she never stays in the office and would rather visit her constituents so she could hear what their problems are firsthand and could think of possible solutions right then and there.

‘Yan ang hindi alam ng baboy na baklang ito na ipinaglihi sa sama ng loob kaya lumabas na vavalina at saksakan ng itim pati ang kaluluwa. Hahahahahahahaha!

Anyway, in his faded and jaded mental faculty that’s reminiscent of Satan’s sourgraping face-to-face with the Lord, ganyan din ang drama ng baboy na ‘to sa paglulubid ng katakut-takot na kasinungalingan laban kay Ate Vi.

But who cares? Does he have an ounce of credibility?

Walang-wala!

Period.

Anyway, Batangas is presently being recognized as one of the most progressive cities in the country today.

Part of it should be credited to Governor Vi’s non-stop efforts to make it a progressive locality.

***

Call him Mr. Hot!

HE’S American and he models occasionally for men undies and other intimate undergarments.

He’s the secretive type and he doesn’t want his name being written about in magazines showing his ‘wares.’

Nevertheless, he’s got a huge following just like his enormous dick. Hahahahahahaha!

Din’t bother to know who he is! Just enjoy the succulence of his whole persona. Hahahahahahaha!

As always, bawal magtikol! Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Bonnga ang ‘Aryana’ pero kalawang ang malalaki ang patang si G Toengi!

PROMISING ang young actress na si Ella Cruz na siyang lead actress sa new fantaserye ng Dos na mapanonood right after TV Patrol at talaga namang every time its trailer gets shown on teevee, natatawa at click na click sa mga tao ang kanyang ‘sirena me!’ dialog.

Pero kung gaano ka positive ang vibes ng gandarang batet na ‘to, siya namang inokray-okray ng feeling sikat na si G Toengi na feeling prima donna na hindi nangbabati sa presscon ng fantaserye na ‘to kamakailan sa Sulu Hotel.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Hudas, I mean, who does she think she is?

Akala siguro niya’y panahon pa itong mga slim pa sila nina Jomari Illana at bida sa mga pelikulang ‘yun ng Regal. Hahahahahahahaha!

90s pa ‘yun, ining!

This is the year 2012 already. Hahahahahahahaha!

Hello! Are you hallucinating?

Anyway, walang ka-PR-PR itong si Toengi at feeling international star, kay lalaki naman ng mga hita’t binti and already very much wanting of freshness. Hahahahahahahaha!

In short, gurangis na! Hahahahahahaha!

Akala siguro, porke’t nakatira na siya sa States at may Thwang at American accent ay nakahihigit na siya compared sa iba. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Sa totoo, lagus-lagusan ang kanyang tingin at para bang siya ang hottest actress of the decade when she’s already a veritable nobody in as far as most of the movie-going public of today is concerned. Hahahahahahaha!

Mag-ilusyon ba?

Gurang ka na, lola. The delectable freshness that you used to possess has long vanished and is no longer discernible in your visibly haggard physiognomy.

Paliitin mo nga pala ang nagdangkel mong mga muscles dahil ‘di kaaya-ayang tingnan.

Hahahahahahahaha!

How terribly gross!

***

Pananaba ng young actress halatang-halata na!

MAGANDA kung sa maganda ang kanyang show pero obvious na hindi na svelte ang figure ng young singer/actress na ‘to na napararami yata ang kain lalo na’t masarap magluto ang chef nila sa kanilang catering business.

Hahahahahahahaha!

Every time I get to watch her Sunday musical show, easily discernible ang kanyang unti-unting paglobo lalo na’t mapanonood mo ang previous shows niya sa abroad sa channel ng kanyang babaerong boss.

Hahahahahahahaha!

Kung gusto ng, in fairness, ay mabait naman at ma-PR na young singer/actress na ‘to na magpatuloy ang pagbong- ga ng kanyang show, she should make it imperative that she goes on a diet.

Tigilan na ang food trip dahil a few weeks ago, nagmukha siyang nanay nu’ng super svelte na biriterang singer na isinasabong laban sa kanya.

Kung nagawa ng biriterang singer na pumayat, why can’t this popular actress do it?

‘Yun na!

***

Vice Tsaka eleven p.m. na ang show!

HAHAHAHAHA! What’s the matter, Vice Tsaka?

Why is your show now on a timeslot that’s almost near to the most dreaded graveyard slot?

Hahahahahahahaha!

Mahina na ba ang appeal mo sa mga otawzing, lola, dahil sa asal-impakta mong pag-uugali na kalat na kalat na sa showbizlandia these days?

Bakit nga naman masyado kang nagmamaganda, ugly version (ugly version daw talaga, o! Hahahahaha!) ka naman ni Zeny Zabala. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Paayos mo ang ilong mo, ining, dahil tabingi at ‘di rin kagandahan ang arrive ng dentures mo, numero unong okrayista ka pa naman at pintasera. Hahahahahahahaha!

Pakikil mo kaya ang dentures mo para pumantay at hindi ganyang parang inaalon ever. Hahahahahahahaha!

Pakaiwasan ang pagtalsik ng laway mo dahil big turned off ‘yan on national teevee.

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Ang manners! Huwag magpapahalatang mal-edukada ka.

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

***

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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