Hanggang sa pagtitilam-tilam na lang!

HAHAHAHAHA! Que pobrecita!

Manhid yata o baka dinideadma na lang ng nagkakaedad ng aktres-aktresan na ‘to ang katotohanang mananatili siyang maghihintay sa wala in as far as her user-friendly boyfriend of many years is concerned.

If she had her way, they would have been married a long time ago already since both of them are mature enough to decide things for themselves.

‘Yung guy ay almost forty years of age na and the woman is already way past her prime.

Kung nagkataong ‘di siya mapera at walang career, baka nalaglag na ang kanyang panga at nag-sag na ang kanyang baba tulad ni Ferminata, the undispiuted taling-harap matrona who’s once again writing some superfab hossanahs on Nora Aunor after hitting her repeatedly (in a highly nauseating manner, that is! Hahahahaha!) in her cheap talingharap Tagalistic columns. Hahahahahahahaha!

Anyway, kung dati ay optimistic ang aging ham actress na ‘to na tototohanin siya ng gwaping nga pero sawain at may pagka-manggang not-so-young actor, these days she seems to have come to accept the fact that the guy she got involved with happens to be a free soul and the sanctity of marriage is something that doesn’t appeal to him at least at the moment. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Que horror! Hahahahahaha!

Pa’no naman kasi, ano pa ba ang hahabulin sa kanya nu’ng aktor, ano?

In the many years that they’ve been on, halos na-explore nang lahat ng aktor ang avenues at side-streets sa kanyang katawan at private parts, kumbaga, the element of mystery is no longer present kaya so-so na lang ang emote nito in as far as she’s concerned.

How pathetic!

How pathetic daw, o! Hahahahahahaha!

Kaya kayong mga babae, huwag isusuko ang bandila hangga’t wala pang kasal.

Ang ending, baka matulad kayo sa girlalung ito na parang sugar mommy ang ganap na gibsona talaga ng mga expensive gifts costing a million pesos no less but to no avail. Hahahahahahaha!

Magdusa ka! Kay dali mong isinuko ang Bataan, maghabol ka sa tambol mayor! Hakhakhak!

***

Ate Vi super woman?

GRABE ang working sched na mini-maintain ni Governor Vilma Santos Recto specially so now that she has to squeeze in to her already cramped working sched ang shoot ng Star Cinema movie na The Healing every Thursdays and Saturdays.

So far, Sunday na lang daw ang rest niya na kinakain pa rin ng The Healing shoot dahil kadalasa’y 3 a.m. na sila ng early Sunday morning napa-pack-up.

Sa ngayon, five times na raw siyang niyayang mag-dinner nina Ma’am Charo Santos-Concio at Ma’am Malou Santos pero hirap talaga siyang kumawala sa airtight niyang working sched.

“Kailangan kasing pag-usapan ‘yung planong TV show this year,” avers Ate Vi. “Pero hirap talaga akong kumawala sa aking schedules.”

Whatever, as of presstime, natuloy na yata ang much-delayed meeting niya kina Ma’am Charo.

At any rate, shifting to other salient topics, hindi ba naman nagku-complain ang kanyang delectably hunky husband na si Senator Ralph Recto sa sobrang pagiging busy niya lately?

What about their intimate needs as husband and wife?

Well, she smiles enigmatically as if saying that, if there’s a will, there’s a way.

“Nagbabakasyon kami, ‘di ba?” she naughtily answers.

‘Yun na! Hahahahahahahaha!

***

Joey ‘Vavalina’ de Cashtrue, nagbabanta raw pero isang butiki na lang ang ‘di pumipirma matitigok na! (Hahahaha!)

POOR Joanna ‘Vavalina’ de Cashtrue. The old goat of a pig is now living in perpetual misery.

Ang panget-panget na kasi, (yuck! you’re nauseatingly cheap! Hahahahahaha!) mukhang alulod pa ang fezlak, ang baho pa ng pag-uugali, men would naturally shun away from him like the plague. Hahahahaha!

To be blunt about it, there’s nothing wrong in being ugly as long as you know how to deal with other people in a good way.

Kumbaga, napapatawad na ang kaograhan mo if you have a good heart they can trust (condom in your case pig! Hahahahahaha!) and look up to.

Ang kaso, ito ngang pangitelyang si Lola Vavalina (Hakhakhak!) ay talaga namang nakaririmarim (hayan, lola Fermi, huh? salitang ugat ang inuulit.. Hahahahaha!) ang pag-uugali at numero unong back stabber like his idol Ferminata. Hahahahahahaha! Honestly, you’re already way past your prime, ugly and smelly creature from hell!. (Creature from hell daw, o! Hahahahaha!)

Matuto kang magdasal, kampon ng kalibugan.

Ay mali! Kadiliman pala. Hakhakhak!

Sa edad mong sisenta y dos, lolang-lola ka na dahil wala kang vitamins and you’re palpably not eating the right food.

Matulog ka kasi at huwag mong i-devote ang lahat halos ng panahon mo sa kati-text sa akin using your cheap sim cards. Hahahahahahahaha!

Babutsh!

***

Gamac Mendoza tall & delectable!

GAMAC Mendoza is all of 6 ft. tall and a regular of the so-called things and thongs contests at the Metropolis.

This appealing Romblon hottie is addicted to gym, boxing and swimming since these tone his muscles and keep him in tip-top shape.

A part-time model, he had recently joined the Summer Bikini Showdown 2009 and Super Bodies Bikini Open year 4.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to win any major title yet but he’s optimistic that that would come soon.

Take a look at his well-toned body. Isn’t he delectable? Hahahahahaha!

As always, bawal magtikol! Hakhakhak!

***

Slant na sina Shaina at Jake na raw, panis! (Ayaw ni Lovi Poe ng ganyan!)

MAGANDA naman ang kanilang teevee soap. It’s not only well-acted but meticulously directed as well, there is no need sigurong i-drumbeat pa at lagyan ng love angle sina Shaina Magdayao at Jake Cuenca.

Honestly, it’s Kapuso actress Lovi Poe who’s now the rightful owner of Jake’s heart, let’s put a stop to that sordid angle that’s the farthest from the truth.

The soap can stand solely on its own merits. Ang husay-husay dito ni Shaina at bongga ang kanyang projection sa kanyang mga emotional at crying scenes.

Understandable naman ‘yun dahil isipin lang niya ang ginawa sa kanya ng pabling na si John Lloyd ay maiiyak na siyang talaga. Hahahahahaha!

Kaya tigilan na ang anggulong tienes na nagkaka-inlaban ang dalawa dahil even the Marines won’t believe it.

Hakhakhak!

‘Yun na!

***

Walang bad blood sa pagitan nina Sam Pinto at Solenn Heussaff

SA MGA column items lately, you get to read na may bad blood daw sa pagitan nina Solenn Heussaff at Sam Pinto.

“That’s not true!” Sam Pinto vehemently denies the ongoing rumor that she and Solenn don’t see eye to eye. “We are not the best of friends but to say that we’re feuding would be an exaggeration.

“Solenn and I are both professional actresses,” she pleasantly intones. “And we get along well at the movie (Boy Pick-up) we’re doing presently at Regal.

“Besides, I don’t see any reason why we should have some bad blood or disagreements,” she points out in earnest. “Like I said, we’re not buddies exactly but we get along fine and would even talk on the set like old friends.”

‘Yun na!

***

Nanghihinayang sa mga maragul na nota! (Hahahaha!)

ANG gwaping at buffed ang muscles na young actor na ‘to ang paboritong pag-usapan ng mga tsismosang actresses sa five-star network na ‘yun lately.

Kahit daw kasi ano pa’ng pagpapa-charming rito ang gawin nila, he seems not to notice and would very much prefer to be alone.

Hahahahahahahaha!

Mabuti na kasi ‘yung ganon. Bukod sa may enigma or mystery, ‘di pa nila mahahalatang malambot siya.

Ang kilos ha? Di ang ratbulites! Hahahahahahahaha!

In a matter of speaking, marami talaga ang nanghihinayang sa hunk actor na ‘to.

Hunk actor raw, o! Hakhakhak!

He looks pretty good with his new nose job and a body to die for! Hahahahahahaha!

Ang kaso, softie siya kapag nagsasalita na kaya nawawala ang ilu ng mga girlalus mereseng namumutok ang kanyang crotch dahil sa nota niyang dakung talaga. Hahahahahaha!

Hay, naku! acting na lang niya ang i-appreciate n’yo. Kung ‘yung live-in mate nga niya ay hiniwalayan na niya dahil hirap na siyang papelan ang mga kangkangan blues, (kangkangan blues raw talaga, o! Hahahahaha!) kayo pa ba ang iintindihin niya?

Period!

***

Comedy-musical-talk show nina Ogie at Michael V mapanonood na bukas

SIMULA bukas, Linggo (May 20) ang tambalan nina multi-awarded singer at songwriter OGIE ALCASID at Asian TV Best Comedy Actor recipient MICHAEL V. sa pinakabagong comedy-musical-talk show ng Kapuso Network, ang PARE & PARE!

Tiyak na aabangan ng mga manonood at fans nina Pareng Ogie at Pareng Bitoy ang kanilang programa dahil dito mahuhusgahan ang kanilang husay at galing bilang host ng isang talk show na may halong komedya at musical performances.

Sa tagal ng kanilang pagsasamahan mula pa sa tambalan nila sa Bubble Gang na umabot na nang mahigit 16 years, masasaksihan kung gaano kalalim ang pagkakaibigan ng magkumpare at paano nila mapabibilib ang kanilang mga tagahanga sa batuhan nila ng opinyon at komento sa iba’t ibang segments ng Pare & Pare.

Para sa pilot episode nito, ang talentadong tandem ng real-life mag-kumpare na sina Ogie at Bitoy ay maghahatid ng Pinoy-flavored humor sa kanilang interview sa feisty celebrity mom at talent manager na si ANNABELLE RAMA. Ano nga ba ang qualities na hinahanap niya sa isang kaaway? Alamin din kung ano naman ang maaaring gawin ng kaaway niyang gustong makipagbati sa kanya.

Makakasama rin nina Pareng Ogie at Pareng Bitoy ang batikang broadcaster at host ng Imbestigador na si MIKE ENRIQUEZ dahil siya ay iimbestigahan ng dalawa! Paano nga ba naimbento ng TV anchor ang kaniyang signature na boses? Ilalabas rin nila ang katotohanan kung sino nga ba si “baby” sa buhay ng “Imbestigador ng Bayan.”

Maririnig rin ang tinig ng Asia ’s songbird, REGINE VELASQUEZ-ALCASID, para sa isang special musical number. Hahamunin din nila si Regine na i-set ang record sa “Happy Birthday Challenge.”

Ang kanilang sweet and sour na komentaryo sa pang-araw-araw na buhay, ihahayag din nina Pareng Ogie at Pareng Bitoy sa kanilang stand-up “The Week In Review” opening.

Makikilala na rin ang dalawang astig na expert sa pagbibigay ng tips, sina Barako Mama at Barako Papa. Ibabahagi nila ang kanilang galing sa pagtatali ng necktie at bow tie sa “Barako Tips.”

Isang masayang kantahan naman ang huling hirit nina Pareng Ogie at Pareng Bitoy kasama sina Regine, Mel Villena, at ang AMP band.

Abangan ang lahat ng kasayahang ito ngayong Linggo, May 20, sa PARE & PARE, 8:30 ng gabi, pagkatapos ng iBilib sa Sunday Grande ng GMA.

***

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my love for you goes beyond eternity.

Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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