Veteran entertainment columnist, reyna ng mga sikyo!

HA HA HA HA! Iba ang charisma at pang-akit ng entertainment columnist na ‘to na di na rin naman kabataan.

Imagine, sa isang sikat na network, simpleng hada queen ang tawag sa kanya dahil practically lahat halos ng se
-curity guards roon ay nagdaan na sa kanyang Linda Lovelace mouth. Hakhakhak!

Linda Lovelace mouth, raw, o! Hahahahahahahaha!

Practically, just one fleeting look at a particular security guard and he’s already very much capable of telling you in such lurid details everything about him from the size of his genitals, along with its distinguishing marks like moles, prominent veins (veins raw talaga, o! Hahahahaha!) and the likes. Hahahahahahahaha!

Iba talaga ang kanyang appeal sa mga sikyo (Hahahahahaha!), para siyang matamis na kanilang pinagkakaguluhan the very moment they get to see him considering the fact that he’s not that young anymore and not that pleasant-looking and not at all that opulent either. Hahahahahahahaha!

Pero hindi nga nadaraan sa ‘ganda’ o anda (Hahahahahaha! may rhyme and rhythm di ba naman? Hahahahaha!) ang mga lalake sa nasabing network.

They are not money-oriented and are not fond of taking advantage.

Kumbaga, they just want to have some real good fun. Hakhakhak!

Well, kaya naman pala nananariwa ang hasang (nananariwa raw ang hasang, o! Hahahahahaha!) ng kaibigan naming ito ay dahil sa sandamukal ang tarugs na at his disposal any time he feels like it. Hahahahahahahaha!

How sexciting! Harharhar!

Minsan pa napatunayang some men are not that money-oriented after all.

Kailangan lang na marunong kang makisama at marunong makipagkapwa tao at mau-um-um mo na ang langit.

Ang langit daw, o! Hakhakhak!

Ay, mali! Notang maragul pala. Hahahahahahaha!

‘Yummy! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

***

Sam Pinto, iniintriga!

MAY isang may edad ng entertainment columnist ang iritada kay Ms. Claire dela Fuente dahil ang feeling niya’y dini-deadma na raw siya kuno nito kung kaya kaliwa’t kanan ang banat niya sa mga alaga ng good-natured talent manager.

Lately, he loves to put Sam Pinto down with his nasty narratives and biting innuendos. Kesyo hanggang sa FHM na lang daw ito at wala nang iba pang patutunguhan.

Talaga lang ha?

Hay, naku! bakit ba kasi nai-insecure ang veteran writer na ‘to samantalang mahal na mahal naman siya ni Ms. Claire?

Another thing, bakit naman sasabihing walang career si Sam samantalang kasama na naman ito sa Metro-Manila filmfest entry ni Senator Bong Revilla kung saan kanyang makakasama si Ms. Judy Ann Santos for the first time?

On top of that, superfab ang reception sa kanyang Neneng B. character sa all-time rating gag show ng GMA na Bubble Gang, ‘yan ba ang wala nang patutunguhan ang career?

Also, her kind of beauty is the envy of so many women from all walks of life.

Understated elegance kasi ang arrive ng alaga ni Ms. Claire at may kakaibang freshness ito at classy ang arrive ng beauty, not to mention the fact that she’s hauntingly telegenic. Hahahahahahahahaha!

On top of that, di siya bastusin even if she’s already wearing some highly revealing outfits that more than showcase her subtle endowments.

Di ba naman, lolo? Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Maglagay ka na lang kasi ng mga anti-aging cream sa iyong heavily lined physiognomy (heavily lined physiognomy raw, o! Hahahahahahaha!) para it would ward off the onslaught of wrinkles. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Adam Phebus, sensational!

IN 2005, at the age of 19, Adam Phebus moved to LA from Michigan supposedly in search of himself.

There, he found his love for the entertainment industry, modelling in particular.

Well, with a body to die for, who would not fall for his gorgeous body and endowments? Hahahahahahahaha!

As always, bawal magtikol! Hahahahahahahahaha!

‘Yun na!

***

Supalpal ang mga detractors ni Mark Mabasa!

SA halip na maokray, lalong pinag-usapan at naging sensational ang dating X-Factor aspirant na si Mark Mabasa.

Trending talaga the other day ang sensational guesting niya sa Umagang Kay Ganda ng ABS CBN at lalong na-emphasize o nabigyan ng tamang highlight ang vocal virtuousity ng bagets na ito.

Kung doon sa isang Marvin Agustin clone na piyokero at di naman kagalingang kumanta, di hamak na mas may K si Mark.

Anyway, God never sleeps and He knows when a person is beleaguered and being put down by some evil forces, di ba naman, Mr. Gary Valenciano?

Kaya ang ending, kung dati-rati’y hindi masyadong napapansin ang awesome birit skills ni Papa Mark, now it’s being highlighted and given the kind of recognition that it deserves.

Hala! Hindi kaya ang ending ay butata ang magiging winner n’yo riyan at si Mark ang magningning nang husto?
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ang bad karma…bow!

***

Tanggapin na kasing panahon na ni Ate Vi ang new millenium!

SA araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, wala nang ginawa ang ibang (di naman lahat) Noranians kundi i-down ang queen-star for all seasons na si Governor Vilma Santos gayung wala namang ginagawa ang legion of followers nito para banatan ang kanilang idolo.

Nora Aunor, in all fairness, happens to be a consummate performer and definitely one of the finest actresses Tinsel town has ever produced.

Pero hindi siya naging maalaga sa kanyang career kaya masisisi ba niya kung milya-milya na ang agwat nila ng kumare niyang si Ate Vi?

Governor Vi has been most protective of her showbiz career even if she already has diversified into the equally intriguing world of politics.

She, too, has taken good care of herself and is still looking her very best at 35. (Her euphemism for her real age. Hahahahahahaha!)

In stark contrast, her arch rival is almost on the road to obesity and the years are now alarmingly vividly etched on her plebeian-looking face.

Hay, naku! tigilan na ang comparison because at this point, it’s indubitably odious.

Nora is, admittedly, one helluva good actress but her once prodigious popularity is now a mere shadow of what it had been or used to be some three decades ago.

Period. Walang comma!

Manood na lang kasi kayo ng blockbuster na The Healing na sandamakmak pa rin ang mga nanonood mereseng on its
3rd (or is it already the 4th?) week na ito. Hahahahahahaha!
Belat! Butata ang mga nag-iintriga kay Ate Vi.

Mga panget!

Mga panget daw talaga, o! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Patsuktsak tienes kayo kay Vicki Belo ng mga ubanggetch n’yong pagmumukha para at least ay magmukha kayong tao. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

***

Parami nang parami ang naloloka sa walang katorya-toryang radio show ni Ferminata!

HA HA HA HA! Ferminatext is being avoided like the plague as always (as always raw talaga, o! Hahaha!) dahil masyadong nauseatingly self-serving ang radio show nito sa TV5.

Da busalsal ang kailungang radio and teevee personality ay wala nang ginawa kundi gawing showcase ng kanyang nostalgic tripping ang kanilang radio show at wala talagang ka-effort-effort na magbigay ng mga preskong up-dates o balita kaya.

Nakasusukaaaaaaah! (O, hayan, guranggetch, salitang ugat ang inuulit, huh? Hahahahahahahahaha!
Yuck! Nagradyo pa?

Feeling kasi ni Lola Bungalyita (Lola Bungalyita raw, o! Hahahahahahaha!), siya si Ms. Vilma Santos o si Ms. Nora Aunor na interesante ang buhay at sikat kaya hanging on to their every word ang masa. Hahahahahahaha!

Such delusions!

Pag-usapan ba ang mga cheapie-cheapie aspects ng buhay niya gayung you’re paid to keep the listeners entertai- ned and not to talk about some palpably bland episodes in your life. Hahahahahahahaha!

Oo nga’t may showbiz rin kahit papano ang last 15 minutes ng programa pero tungkol pa rin sa mga episodes niya
wayback during the 90s ang binubukeke. Hakhakhak!

No wonder, people are visibly turned off, they’d rather enjoy their afternoon listening to good music than be harassed or irritated with Lola Bungalya’s endless harping about the past uneventual episodes in her life.

So very yucky talaga. Hakhakhak!

Hay, naku! why don’t you just sleep in your mansion in Parada, Valenzuela city than make the lives of so many people miserable, lola Bungalya, with your seemingly endless harpings over the radio?

Magpatulog ka at tigilan ang kangangawngaw sa radyo ng mga bagay-bagay na lumipas na at walang sense o relevance sa mga taong nagkamaling makinig sa inyo. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

‘Yun lang!

Send in those sizzling stories that you know about our fave showbiz personalities at pete_ampoloquio@yahoo.com
and #09994269588, #09276557791 and #09223870129 and read them here.

And with that, ito po ang kuya Pete ninyo na nagsasabing, Christopher, my son, I love you very, very much, my
love for you goes beyond eternity. Adios. Mabalos. I always need you, Nong!

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